City Paper is not for tourists
Good morning, people. Today looks to be as gorgeous as yesterday. The forecast calls for rain tomorrow, so take advantage of this day–have a popsicle, run up and down some bleachers, make friends with strangers on the sidewalk.
It beats driving around the DMV–D.C., Maryland, Virginia. Who the hell came up with that acronym? Every time I hear it, I have to pause for a second because I think they’re talking about the Department of Motor Vehicles. Quite appropriate, I guess, as traffic in this region might as well be a parking lot. And if Fairfax County doesn’t get its shit straight, the $2.2 billion transportation funding shortfall it’s set to face over the next three years may fuck commuters harder than the beltway already does every hour of the day. Then, we’d all be taking public transportation–but falling onto the tracks isn’t my idea of fun. On the bright side, Virginia may be increasing speed limits in the near future.
DCist reports Bryce Harper, the “LeBron of the diamond,” now belongs to the Washington Nationals. The 17-year-old Las Vegas native sounds like something out of Little Big League. Between him and Stephen Strasburg, baseball fans must be giddy with joy.
In other news, a man posed as a customer before robbing a BB&T branch in Upper Marlboro. Not very creative; he should’ve donned a more seasonal outfit. D.C. Public Schools chief Michelle Rhee is under investigation, and media outlets are in court over why search warrants were sealed in the investigation into the death of University of Virginia lacrosse player Yeardley Love.
Outside of our bubble, as President Obama’s trying to figure out “whose ass to kick,” oil continues to leak at a rate of no one fucking knows. Spew would probably be the better word (watch and be depressed). The Huffington Post reports that BP plans to replace its containment cap, currently collecting between a third and three-fourths of the oil, with a newer one next month that will “provide a better, tighter fit.” Sounds like a Trojan commercial. What the fuck’s the hold up? In the meantime, the current administration plans to reopen offshore drilling in shallow water, as Wall Street talks shares, and Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal attempts to repair his reputation. For now, you might want to take that trip to Miami before it all turns into a vat of something you don’t want to be swimming in–don’t say I never warned you.
All right, it’s over. Mosey on.
Photo by dsb nola. Creative Commons Attribution License.