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Semen Sprayer Struck Second Spot: Gaithersburg police now say Michael Wayne Edwards squirted semen onto a woman at a Michael’s craft shop, not far from the Giant where he first debuted the strangest crime the region has seen in a while. This business of spiriting semen around in a hand-spritzer and spraying it—and then photographing the evidence—could represent the beginning of a serious arms race among D.C.’s perverts. Forget flashing or public masturbation; Edwards has brought creepy violation to a whole new low. -8
D.C. United Fires Coach, Hires Ben Olsen: Sure, when the team sits at the very bottom of the MLS rankings with a 3-12-3 record, there are clearly problems that go beyond coaching. (Like, for instance, the fact that Jaime Moreno is overdue for retirement, the utter lack of a dangerous forward presence and a frustrating string of injuries.) Still, Curt Onalfo‘s departure will be welcome news among most of the fans at RFK Stadium. And his replacement by Ben Olsen may mean some of the players cheer, too. Olsen was one of the grittiest players United—or MLS—ever saw. Maybe he can help them salvage the Lamar Hunt U.S. Open Cup title out of an otherwise dismal year. As the Barra Brava will soon be singing, “We’re all part of Benny’s army.” Or at least the 17,000 or so of us who ever go to United games are. +5
Suspected Olney Synagogue Vandal Caught: Police say Ian Jacob Baron spraypainted swastikas and anti-Jewish slogans all over B’Nai Shalom Synagogue last month. Strangely enough, they also say he’s got a tattoo of an SS logo on his chest and that he identifies himself as an active neo-Nazi. Baron allegedly started confessing to a cop in an Olney McDonald’s, concocting a lame attempt at an alibi (“Baron stated that his fingerprints would be on the cans used to spray-paint B’Nai Shalom. Baron stated he picked up some of the cans but that he threw the cans down when he realized what they were used for”) in the process. Bumbling, incompetent Nazis are by far the best kind! +6
Sarah Palin Endorses Maryland Governor Wanna-Be: Former The Wire extra (and, oh, also former Maryland governor) Bob Ehrlich may not be cruising to the GOP nomination to run against Democratic Gov. Tommy Carcetti Martin O’Malley, after all. Out of nowhere, Sarah Palin decided to endorse investor Brian Murphy in the race instead, surprising observers and possibly shaking up the campaign. If anyone would know what D.C.’s northern neighbor needs, it’s somebody who couldn’t even be bothered to serve out her full term as governor of Alaska. Evidently, Palin can see Annapolis from her house, too. -6
Yesterday’s Needle rating: 45 Today’s score: -3 Today’s Needle rating: 42