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When a man is accused of walking up behind women at the grocery store (and craft store) and squirting them with semen, apparently the every-day reader of said news assumes the suspect is a loser forever-single uneducated creepo. So wrong!

Please wait as the Washington Post’s report blows your mind. Toss all your semen-spraying assumptions aside as we give you the real squirt.

Michael Wayne Edwards Jr., 28, has been charged in five cases of using a small bottle to squirt semen on unsuspected ladies, four of them at the Gaithersburg, Md. Giant and one at Michaels craft store. When police questioned him on the cases, he apparently admitted to the crimes and even had cell phone evidence to prove it. How thoughtful of him to speed up the justice process.

But now he believes he will be vindicated. And how do we know this guy might just be innocent in this nasty crime? He’s just your normal everyday dude who’s just too smart to actually squirt a load on randoms. The shockers: This suspect has an “undergraduate degree in criminal justice, worked as an armed security guard at a government installation and was described by his mother as a quiet, well-mannered son who trains as a body builder,” WaPo tells us. How gosh-darn normal can you get? Minus the whole possible semen thing.

But wait! There’s more! His lawyer says he “does have an explanation” (can’t wait to hear it!). Oh, and he’s got a girlfriend of 10 years who totally stands by him.

Edwards worked for Stronghold Security guarding the Washington Aqueduct drinking water treatment plant on MacArthur Boulevard. The general manager says he passed a background check prior to working there, but we’re assuming they don’t look into weird semen hobbies. We’ll refrain from questioning our water quality, but ponder the question on your own.