By now, with the Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear just days away, you’ve moved on from strategizing how to cadge tickets to a Daily Show taping and are, instead, strategizing how you’re going to get to the big event on Saturday morning. (And just how much booze and/or weed—or, if you go to Georgetown, DMT—you think you can smuggle down to the Mall without attracting undue attention from the Park Police.)

We at Washington City Paper are here to help, with our free walks from the Smithsonian Metro station to the rally site, a long eight blocks away. We’re like Arianna Huffington, but with no buses. Meet up with City Paper staffers at the Metro any time between 10:45 a.m. and noon, when the rally starts. They’ll help guide you to the rally—providing a service that merely following the hordes of other fake protesters wouldn’t accomplish.

After the rally is over, here’s where to eat in D.C., and how to keep the irony going the rest of the day.

And remember, if you see those City Paper staffers laughing, as opposed to chuckling politely and non-genuinely, report ’em.

Photo by Minesweeper via Wikimedia Commons