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Virginia is for Gay-Bashers: Turns out the Transportation Security Administration was hoping more people would opt out of the scans and force them to touch their junk last week. Or at least, such is the feverish conspiracy theory espoused by Loudon County Board of Supervisors member Eugene Delgaudio. The TSA patdowns, Delgaudio declares, are all part of a plan by gay TSA agents to “secretly [get] pleasure out of your submission.” File under: Proof that being represented by even the looniest D.C. Council member is still better than living in Loudon County. -1

Freeze Away: No need to panic, apparently—the 1.4 percent pay raise President Obama is freezing for federal workers was so miserly in the first place that canceling it won’t affect the District’s economy much. Of course, the pay freeze will save $60 billion, while tax cuts for people who make more than $250,000 a year will cost $700 billion; figuring out which one would trim the $6.2 trillion deficit over the next decade ain’t hard. Unless, that is, you’re actually making policy, in which case it’s apparently impossible. +1

Go Nutmeg: ‘Tis the season to scare the crap out of parents with feature stories on how dangerous wrapping paper, holiday lights, and other December mainstays can be. As if on cue, today brings the terrifying news that—gasp!—teenagers are snorting and smoking nutmeg, and even—double gasp!—”posting video of their nutmeg abuse on YouTube.” Next thing you know, they’ll be having rainbow parties under the mistletoe! -1

Surrender Dorothy: A bad weather year keeps getting worse: Storms passing through the area tonight could bring winds of up to 50 mph and tornadoes. (Flooding is possible, too, so the District is, once again, distributing sandbags to residents.) In the event of an actual tornado, remember this essential tip: Click your heels together three times, not twice, while repeating, “There’s no place like home.” Clicking twice will just get you to the Orange Line. -2

Yesterday’s Needle rating: 49 Today’s score: -3 Today’s Needle rating: 46