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Baltimore United?: Has there ever been a more nefarious, underhanded state than Maryland? Our northern neighbors have embarked on a campaign to snatch D.C. United out of the District and relocate the team to Baltimore, putting out a study predicting up to $6.4 million in state and local revenues if the Maryland Stadium Authority built United a new home. Those revenue projections would fall short if the team keeps playing as badly as it did this year, which reduced attendance. We’re with United no matter what, but we’d prefer not to have to take a MARC train to the matches. (In other soccer news, Barcelona will play Manchester United here on July 30—if Barça wants to move to D.C., then maybe we’d be okay with Baltimore moving north.) -2

You Want More Bikes? You Got More Bikes!: If the frigid weather lately has you longing for a nice bike ride, you are officially in luck. District Department of Transportation and Arlington County officials have secured money to expand the popular Capital Bikeshare program, with 20 new stops in D.C. and 16 new stations in Arlington. Ride them now, while you still can, before DDOT boss Gabe Klein departs and takes all the bike lanes away with him. (They fit very nicely in a carry-on.) +3

Hail Mary: This hasn’t been the best year for the Washington Redskins. But this Sunday, as they stride into battle behind quarterback Rex “Sexy Rexy” Grossman, the team may have some help from a higher power. Donald Wuerl, the archbishop of Washington who was recently elevated to cardinal, has officially converted from Pittsburgh Steeler fan to Redskins devotee. Which means that if the Jacksonville Jaguars beat the Redskins, it’s because God is dead. +2

Ants Beware: The District’s population of giant anteaters expanded by one today—a baby was born at the National Zoo to proud anteater parents Maripi and Dante. It was the third anteater born at the zoo since the pair arrived on loan from Nashville in 2006. And yes, this item officially means it’s a slow news day. +2

Yesterday’s Needle rating: 59 Today’s score: +5 Erev Christmas Eve bonus: +2 Today’s Needle rating: 66