As a young woman living in D.C., this week’s cover story on the horrors of the D.C. Urban Moms message board further convinced me that D.C. is a wretched place to reproduce. I couldn’t stop wondering why these women spent all of their time judging others on stroller choice, what school their over-privileged snob got into (the better the school, the more coke up their nose!) and yearly income. How could people that seem to have so much going for them be so mean?

I solved the mystery, folks! They aren’t getting laid!

If you haven’t fully explored DCUM, you are probably missing the best part of the message board: Sex and Relationship Issues (explicit). It’s a scary look into the world of rich-people sex post-children. Basically you aren’t getting any and the few that are getting it regularly are sure to rub it in your face if you dare talk about your sexless existence. You’ll be thankful you’ve got the Graco stroller after all.

We’ve collected some of our personal favorites for you to enjoy, but please post others we should explore to make ourselves feel better about our lives. All people on this board are anonymous.

TOPIC: Sexless marriage and.. “sick of porn. what does one do?” “Continue to use your rabbit (I’m assuming you’re a woman) and live a life of quiet desperation. Join the club.” “www.ashleymadison.com” “Just wondering what’s the sex frequency threshhold to qualify for a sexless couple? I’m sure we’d qualify with our once a month schedule… I’m a female, so there are sexless moms here, too” “Also in a sexless marriage. My husband is older and has zero interest in sex. I’ll admit that I’ve thought about divorce or affairs…..Problem is I have very young children and can’t fathom being a single mom.” “Do you mean that you can’t fathom having to get a job? Since this is obviously all about you. I say that because you mentioned YOU being a single mom, not the fact that your kids would have a broken home.”

TOPIC: How many times per week or month? “We Have 2 kids both work fulltime and have sEx once a month. What about you?” “Both work FT too, 5 and 2 yr old. Ranges between once a week to 5 days a week. Depends on our moods and on those of the kids! DH got a vasectomy and our sex life has definitely improved because I was always kind of worried I’d get pregnant again and I don’t want to be anymore.” “5 days a week is impressive to me. I haven’t done that since college.” “About once a week. It’s nowhere near enough. I masturbate two or three times a week also.”

TOPIC: Sex and Babysitting “Does anyone have friends that help each other babysit so that they can have sex? I know that there are ways to not let people know what you’re doing, but I personally have trouble finding friends to help out and hiring someone in your house (which means that you have to find a place) is expensive.” “why do you need a babysitter to have sex? do it at night when kids are asleep in your bedroom with door shut.” “Until they start crying when 1/2 way into the thumping and the thrusting and the pumping?” “Why would you need a babysitter to have sex with your spouse? Do you live in a one-room trailer? If not, put your kids to bed, lock the bedroom door, and have at it.” “Thanks for your responses. I guess I didn’t realize how different most people must have it. When the children are asleep, that means that my wife is asleep. If I wake her up, I’m denying her sleep she’s already deprived of. She usually complies and suffers through it but never enjoys it because, you know, she’s tired.”

And just for the gross-out factor: Elderly father addicted to porn

Photo by kodismom via Flickr/Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivs 2.0