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University of Winning: Charlie Sheen is on a drug, as you may have heard; it’s called Charlie Sheen. And he may be bringing his “quest to claim absolute victory on every front” to D.C. A group of George Washington University students have launched a tongue-in-cheek (we hope) effort to make Sheen the commencement speaker at graduation this spring. The graduation speaker when we graduated from college was Jimmy Carter; we presume his tiger blood level is a bit lower than Sheen’s. +2

Can You Hear Me Now?: Calling 911 in D.C., on the last furlough day for government workers, led to delays and problems. But that was predictable—after all, there were fewer operators working. Calling 911 in Montgomery, Fairfax, and Prince George’s counties lately, on the other hand, led to glitches that only Verizon knew about. At this point, the next time you have an emergency, you’re probably better off just posting a desperate message on Facebook and hoping for the best. -1

Sharing is Caring: The last few months have been cold. But not, apparently, cold enough to deter people from using DDOT’s Capital Bikeshare system—which posted a 30 percent increase in ridership since October. Among members, 99 percent of trips last fewer than 30 minutes, which makes them free. And new legislation in the works could allow advertising on the stations, which could bring in millions of dollars in revenue. Which, of course, probably means it won’t happen. +1

New Haircut?: Those of you who haven’t been chained to your desks all day long may have noticed something different about the latest print edition of Washington City Paper—and even if you’ve only stopped by our website, the color scheme and logos should seem new. (If not, make an eye doctor appointment, pronto.) This week marks the launch of our new design, which we promise will soon look as familiar and beloved as the old one. Tell your friends! +4

Yesterday’s Needle rating: 30 Today’s score: +6 Today’s Needle rating: 36