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No Ifs, Ands, Or Butts: Last year’s odd criminal on the loose in suburban D.C. retail establishments was the semen sprayer, who approached women in grocery and craft stores near Gaithersburg and, as the name implied, squirted semen on them from a bottle he carried. This year? It’s the butt slasher. Police released video of the man they believe has cut six women on the ass while shopping in malls near Fairfax. We can’t imagine what the next weird crime trend will be, but then again, we couldn’t have imagined these, either. -2

Ice Cold: Last month was the hottest on record here in the District. Which means two straight days of high temperatures below 90 degrees, which we’ve now had, count as bona fide news. Sure, it’s been cloudy and raining on and off all day, but at least it’s safe to go outside without plunging into an ice bath immediately upon returning to climate control. How many more days until December? +3

Criminal, Arrest Thyself: First it was amnesty parking tickets; now the District is holding a turn-yourself-in event for anyone facing a bench warrant on a non-violent felony or misdemeanor. The city did the same thing four years ago, rounding up 500 people, all but 10 of whom left the courthouse the same day after getting processed. So now’s the time to go commit some petty crime! +1

Uncle Sam Wants You: In the glory days of D.C. United’s early years, getting called up to duty with a national soccer team was no big deal—Marco Etcheverry and Jaime Moreno were always playing for Bolivia, while stalwarts like John Harkes, Eddie Pope, Roy LassiterRichie Williams, and Ben Olsen frequently played for the United States. Sadly, lately, United has fewer stars, which means fewer international matches. But goalkeeper Bill Hamid is heading to the U.S. training camp for a friendly against Mexico next week, getting his first call-up to the senior squad at only age 20. Tim Howard will probably still get the start, but not bad for a kid from the club’s academy. +1

Yesterday’s Needle rating: 48 Today’s score: +3 Today’s Needle rating: 51