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The big story for political operatives and reporters yesterday was the back-and-forth between the White House and Republicans in Congress over when, exactly, President Barack Obama would head up to the Capitol to make a speech about getting the economy back on track that the Republicans in Congress would then ignore.

Obama had proposed delivering the speech next Wednesday night; the GOP objected, because their own would-be presidents will be debating that night in California, under the auspices of Politico and NBC News. A terrible conflict! (At least for the reporters and editors who don’t have any choice but to pay attention to both events; since the speech is unlikely to do much to actually get more people employed, it’s hard to get that worked up about when it happens or what else is going on at the same moment.) Fortunately for the future of the republic—as you already know if you didn’t have the sense to ignore this preposterous story—the White House decided, once again, to do what House Speaker John Boehner wants, and the Obama speech will now be next Thursday night instead.

But the showdown did make us wonder about what other events here in D.C. might cause such consternation if they were scheduled at the same time. Below, as a public service, Washington City Paper presents a list of the top five scheduling conflicts to avoid. We must all do everything in our power to make sure none of these actually happen! The fate of the world is depending on it.

  • Conflict: Washington Adult Kickball Association championship game scheduled for same time as D.C. Bocce league opening week.
  • What Would Go Wrong: Supply of plastic cups runs dangerously short; lines to get into bars with rec-league-sponsored drink specials run dangerously long.
  • Conflict: National Cupcake Day scheduled for same time as D.C. Tweed Ride.
  • What Would Go Wrong: Alarming confluence of precious foods and/or outfits could disrupt the time/space continuum.
  • Conflict: Metro escalator outage at same time as overactive Department of Public Works parking enforcement.
  • What Would Go Wrong: Neighborhood email lists swamped with passive-aggressive posts about how inconvenienced members feel could potentially be the thing that finally brings down the Internet.
  • Conflict: D.C. Triathlon scheduled for same time as Morning Joe taping.
  • What Would Go Wrong: Former Mayor Adrian Fenty is fast, but not fast enough to swim, bike, run, and praise Wisconsin’s union-busting Republican Gov. Scott Walker all at once.
  • Conflict: Hurricane scheduled for same week as earthquake—again.
  • What Would Go Wrong: Alas, Pat Collins might not make it through a second time.

Screengrab from YouTube