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Someone in this office who shall remain nameless subscribes to goop, the aspirational lifestyle newsletter produced by New York-based actress Gwyneth Paltrow. This issue, “gp” has “gooped” D.C. after being asked by a friend for a hotel recommendation in town. She observes:

Locals say the vibe in DC, from popularity of neighborhoods to the real estate market, changes depending on the administration. While we can’t tell for sure, we do notice a palpable shift in fashionable areas of town as this term comes to a close. A previously hot Georgetown seems to now have more cupcake shops than restaurants, while an edgier U Street and the urban Chinatown/Penn Quarter area boom.

And it’s actually not terrible! Paltrow and her minions review some of the most popular spots in town with useful notes for out-of-towners: The sandwiches at Taylor Gourmet are awesome (though they’re no longer, as she mistakenly says, using bread trucked in from Philly), and Marvin has a great roof deck. Still, she brings some eye-rolling D.C. stereotypes and irritating phrasing (at Makoto, “the no-shoe rule means you can get a good look what socks the senator next to you is wearing. This is a true experience.”). And she throws in a gratuitous picture of herself with the Clintons at the end.

She can’t help it, though. She’s the worst.