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Sen. John McCain has a new issue, revealed in a jokey ESPN segment noticed by D.C. Sports Bog: finding out why Teddy Roosevelt still hasn’t won a Nationals president’s race. McCain, an admirer of Roosevelt, is filled with sadness to see the 26th president repeatedly tackled by rival presidents and sundry other Teddy-hating mascots.

“It’s one of the more traumatic experiences I’ve had, as I watch my hero, my childhood idol, being treated in such a cavalier fashion,” McCain says. In the video, McCain proposes a Congressional investigation into why Roosevelt keeps losing.

But I can spare Congress and tell McCain why his hero can’t win: because he cheats! Teddy’s racing offenses, documented on Youtube, include attacking a cat and using an illicit zipline. Is that the kind of behavior the Nationals—-and a United States senator—-should reward?