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“Washington Whispers” reporter Elizabeth Flock (yep, that Elizabeth Flock) is reporting that fake Teddy Roosevelt could finally, at last, win a president’s race in the Nationals’ last regular season game.
The sourcing on Teddy’s win seems a little, well, whispery, which makes the big news here Flock’s other revelation: The Nats could be getting a fifth president!
“Whispers is hearing, too, that a brand new racing president could be introduced next season, though no word on whether that president would replace Teddy or be added to the roster,” Flock writes.
Who from the remaining 40 presidents should join Roosevelt, Abe Lincoln, Thomas Jefferson, and George Washington on the diamond? With apologies to the presidential knife fight, here’s a look at the leading candidates, and some reasonable rules for choosing one.
- No presidents from the last 50 years: This can’t be political. If you put Ronald Reagan in the line-up, how long before World Net Daily runs an article saying that Reagan gets tackled more by that cat than other president? Sadly, this rule also excludes the only president who could cheat more than Teddy: Richard Nixon.
- No John F. Kennedy: Too soon.
- No famously unhealthy presidents: The presidents’ race is absurd, but it still requires an ounce of belief. I just can’t buy Franklin Delano Roosevelt, William Henry Harrison, or Woodrow Wilson tearing down the third base line.
With a good chunk of the presidents eliminated, here’s who I think are the leading candidates:
Andrew Jackson: Our seventh president was tough enough to race well against any of the current competitors. Jackson’s Q Score is hurt by the Trail of Tears, but the race already has two slaveholders, so apparently that’s not much of an issue.
John Adams: Not particularly fit, but wily enough to pull some race-winning schemes. Plus, this sets up a potential Paul Giamatti guest appearance.
William Howard Taft: This may seem like a violation of the sickness rule, but just imagine that little lardo huffing after Lincoln! He would be a natural fit for the eternal-loser role if Teddy wins.
Who would you like to see ziplining, motorbiking, and plain-old scuffling their way to presidents’ race victory? Have your say in the comments.
Photo by Darrow Montgomery