With increased development in Tysons, some in Fairfax County have started declaring that Fairfax, not Washington, is the center of the region.

“Fairfax County is now the downtown,” one official is quoted saying in the Washington Post. “D.C. just became our suburb.”

Who knew? Fortunately, as a former resident of the county, I’m familiar with their customs and mores. Now that we’re all headed there for work and leisure, a guide to what’s about to change in the Fairfax County Metropolitan Region:

Your New Nostalgia: Unlike Washington, Fairfax County has laser-tag arenas. And if you’re more into bowling alleys, Fairfax has you covered there, too. We aren’t talking nouveau, H Street Country Club-style bowling. This is vintage ’90s birthday party bowling, down to the sticky bathrooms and dads drinking Coors.

Your New Marion Barry: See that guy with the cane? He’s Gerry Hyland, a member of the county’s Board of Supervisors and, like Marion Barry, kind of a character (minus the crime). Hyland is notorious for his genial attitude, Telly Savalas-like visage, and again, his vaguely Renn Faire cane.

Your New Power Lunch: Bon Chon!

Your New Worst Nightmare: If you thought Choppa City was bad, wait until you meet juggalos, the devout followers of the Insane Clown Posse. They’re so numerous in the county that the police have declared them a street gang and asked citizens to call in any “hatchet man” bumper stickers.

Sounds like a great place to be a bedroom community to. See you in the ‘Fax.

Photo by Flickr user Fairfax County used under a Creative Commons license