During 2011’s Lululemon murder trial, two employees of Bethesda’s Apple store, which shares a wall with the athletic-apparel store, testified that they heard someone crying, “Oh God, stop” the night of the crime.

“Neither prosecutors nor defense lawyers asked the two employees why they didn’t call 911,” Bethesda Patch noted at the time. Which is a shame, because asking why someone didn’t call police when they heard a murder is a pretty good question.

But general disinterest in human life isn’t the only bad stuff going on at the Bethesda Apple store, according to an anonymous ex-employee’s tell-all email to Gizmodo.

Most of the “crimes” detailed in the email won’t mean much to you if you’re not also an Apple employee—-lots of talk about people inflating their sales figures, or using their personal iPads instead of company ones (what would Steve Jobs say?). But the employee’s account does reveal that DMV Apple stores are like a high-tech Glengarry Glen Ross, with a bit of Man in the Iron Mask thrown in.

The Montgomery Mall Apple store is basically a Siberian exile for honest Apple store employees:

Our business manager when I get there (I don’t want his name used) would not mess around in [sales] admin. Thus our business numbers plummeted and he was sent to Montgomery Mall. This was basically a demotion because he was “not a team player” or some crap like that.

And the Georgetown and Bethesda stores are apparently bitter rivals for customers. But has Georgetown’s love of high sales figures driven it mad?

Now at Georgetown, [unnamed person] had risen from Business manager to Business leader of the DC market. He did this on the fact that he took one huge client from Bethesda and ran with them. So as the Business Leader he would travel to the different stores but his home was Georgetown. At Georgetown, they consistently shattered their weekly goals. They were making 3 times as much as any other store in business revenue. One week, 80 percent of all computers sold there allegedly were sold for business. The numbers there just don’t add up.

Wait ’til Pentagon City hears about this!

Photo by Flickr user afagen used under a Creative Commons license.