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Last May, noted red-hunter and Washington Times columnist Charles Hurt took on the communist roots of the Capital Bikeshare, describing his neighborhood station as “broken-down socialism.”

“The bikes are shaped like the old-timey ‘girl bikes’ without the crossbar,” Hurt wrote. “Making them suitable for un-liberated women in skirts as well as these so-called ‘metrosexual’ males everybody keeps talking about in these parts.”

Hurt discovered this week that federal money is going to pay for a bikeshare program in another city. Hurt being Hurt, he isn’t happy about this at all:

Turns out you are paying $1.6 million to subsidize freeloaders in Pittsburgh who are too cheap to buy their own bikes. Under the “bike-share” program announced this week, freeloaders and freeloading tourists get 500 fat, ugly, red bikes to ride around on — bikes that you paid for.

Put aside the expansive definition of freeloaders as “people who pay to use something,” because Hurt’s got a plan for what to do with these wasteful bikes-for-leeches: take them to D.C.!

Why not just “repurpose” all those fat, ugly, red bikes away from the freeloaders in Pittsburgh and give them to the freeloaders here and make them pedal their sorry butts into work every day? It would fix but a tiny fraction of the damage they have caused, but it sure would be funny to watch them sweat a little for a change.

Yes. If only there was a program of red, shared bikes around Washington. Somebody should write about that.

Photo by Darrow Montgomery