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Guest of a Guest D.C., the society blog that’s become a sort of bros-looking-at-bros ouroboros, has a new guide for how to land in the party pages. But there is sad news: All the  photographer-hunting and social-climbing in the world won’t help you if you’re ugly.

Take Capitol File, for example. “They pretty much hate running photos of uglies on their pages,” Guest of a Guest’s Sophie Pyle writes. “So wear extra makeup and skip the dessert if you know you’ll be hitting up one of their soirees.”

The soft-bodied will find no refuge in the pages of DC Modern Luxury, either. “DC Modern Luxury tends to fill their pages with young, hot people and celebrities,” Pyle writes. “Keep hitting the gym and wear some sparkles (or if you’re a guy, wear a tie) if you know you’ll be photographed for their magazine.”

But not even being hot guarantees that your image will be reproduced in one-inch scale on glossy paper. Pyle points out that, in addition to wanting babes and hunks, Washington Life Magazine has a strict no dipsos policy. “Hide your drink!” she warns. “They don’t like booze shots.”

All that stress to get your picture taken, and you can’t even drink.

Photo by Darrow Montgomery