The full ethos of Baltimore is on display this week in the latest cover story from the Baltimore Sun‘s b magazine: “100 Reasons Why Baltimore Is Better Than D.C.” That’s right, 100 reasons.
The illustrated cover is enough to make any Washingtonian fret over the safety our status as the nation’s capital. There’s Sen. Barbara Mikulski’s eyes laser-beaming the very U.S. Capitol where she works; a presumably superior Baltimore rat threatening a smaller District rat; a Godzilla-sized Mr. Boh; and, in an unfortunate ad placement, a banner message promoting a bail bonds company and its clever website, bailmore.com.
By now, Washingtonians should be used to this kind of boneheaded municipal oneupsmanship, most of it predicated on lazy cliches about D.C.’s federal character, dearth of culture, and fashion-backwardness. Still, if anyone’s really keeping tabs, there are a few things we can happily concede to our Baltimore neighbors. They did, according to this list, give us The Wire, Tupac, and the Ouija board—-and the beers and rent are cheap. But 100 reasons is too grandiose to maintain any sort of accuracy, so I scoured the dredges of b‘s triple-digit slideshow and picked 10 reasons to test its hypothesis.
- Natty Boh. What’s that, D.C.? Don’t have your own old-school beer — you know, like Pabst or even Schlitz? That’s sad. Unfortunately, the great National Bohemian beer is no longer brewed in its hometown of Baltimore. The beer is owned by the California-based Pabst Brewing Company and mainly brewed in North Carolina and Georgia.
- We always know someone who knows someone who has an awesome rooftop deck. I’m confident that in D.C. we can cut out the middleman and say we always know someone who has an awesome rooftop. If you don’t, feel free to shoot me an email.
- We may have a lot of rats, but the majority of them don’t go into politics. We know better than to be proud of our rodent problem here.
- TV shows being filmed here right now: ‘House of Cards’ and ‘Veep.’ Recent TV shows filmed in D.C.: TLC’s “Randy to the Rescue.” It should be noted that House of Cards and Veep are set in D.C. and shot in Baltimore because the city’s rowhouse landscape resembles our own. Also, way to win the race to the bottom when it comes to giving massive tax breaks to Hollywood.
- We were the nation’s capital before D.C. was. So was Annapolis. So was Philadelphia, for that matter. This is dubious. Congress met in Baltimore for one session during the Revolutionary War because its original meeting place in Philadelphia was deemed too dangerous. Congress happily returned to Philly after the session.
- D.C.’s bars close at 3 a.m. Nothing good ever happens at 3 a.m. That’s what you’re going with, b? That you get to have one hour less fun?
- We raised Sisqo, the voice of the glorious “Thong Song.” This negates all your Tupac points.
- Lacrosse, yo. Lacrosse. No comment.
- Our zoo animals don’t run away. Would you want a red panda who’s content to die in his gilded bamboo prison?
- This list was not hard to make. This is the No. 1 reason given for why Baltimore is better than D.C.
Correction: This post originally misspelled the name of Sen. Barbara Mikulski.