Millennials hanging outside of Le Diplomate
Millennials hanging outside of Le Diplomate

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The Washington Post published its first part in a series of articles investigating an invasive creature that has taken over the District in record numbers: millennials. 

The introduction to the “March of the Millennials” series, which will run throughout the week, says this “entitled” generation has been covered and dissected by just about every other media outlet, but in this city, these 23-34 year olds are worth mentioning again because they have had “a huge impact on Washington, D.C.”

It’s not easy for outsiders to understand a generation that thrives on pricey groceries, overpriced furniture shops, and real estate that starts at a couple hundred thousand dollars. But for those of you unfamiliar with this phenomenon, the Post has the ultimate guide to being a millennial. Allow us to reiterate the key points:

  • Condos with rooftop pools that are just a cab ride away from the “rowhouse-y charm of ‘real’ D.C” are a must.
  • A real millennial woman would not be “caught dead commuting in ankle socks and sneakers over pantyhose.” For men, it’s all about the skinny tie.
  • The prototypical millennial should be referred to as dude, is white, a vegetarian, and wears black, hipster glasses. They sit on park benches and feed pigeons.
  • Millennials are strikingly different from black men born in 1940 who say things like, “Mr. Roosevelt declared war on Japan.”
  • Millennials are borne on “a tide of iPhones and reservations at Le Diplomate.”
  • They like a post-yoga Gatorade.
  • 14th Street NW is the mecca of D.C. millennials, and if it had a soundtrack, “it’d be jackhammers, buzz saws and cash registers at the P Street Whole Foods.”
  • Millennials value safety and cleanliness: “Wander to the alleys, and even they are clean: Not much graffiti, lots of no-parking signs.”
  • The millennial trifecta: restaurants and yoga mats and pinot noir.
  • Millennials are all about converting one-bedroom apartments with a sun room into two-bedroom apartments.
  • Inexplicably, millennials like to live together.
  • The millennial generation is the ultimate gentrifier.

Photo by Jessica Sidman