D.C. will not look like this on Tuesday.

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The National Weather Service has issued a winter storm watch for the entire Baltimore and D.C. region, which means there’s at least a 50 percent chance of said winter storming coming our way later this week. And that, in turn, means there’s a significant chance of winter storm anxiety. Here’s the Washington City Paper winter weather meta-advisory:

A WINTER STORM WATCH...WHICH IS IN EFFECT STARTING
WEDNESDAY WILL IMMEDIATELY LEAD TO A HALT
IN THE AREA'S FUNCTIONALITY

* THERE IS 95 PERCENT CHANCE OF METRO DELAYS OF
AT LEAST 30 MINUTES. 100 PERCENT CHANCE THE RED 
LINE WILL BE UNDERGOING MAINTENANCE
WORK, FURTHER DELAYING THE DELAYS.

* IF THE SNOW APPEARS TO BE STICKING, SOCIAL
MEDIA-SAVVY D.C. RESIDENTS WILL ORGANIZE A
SNOWBALL FIGHT IN DUPONT CIRCLE OR NEAR U
STREET NW. A COP MAY SHOW UP WITH A GUN.

* ACCUMULATION OF MORE THAN THREE INCHES MAY
CAUSE NATIVES OF MORE NORTHERN CITIES TO
COMPLAIN ABOUT HOW D.C. HANDLES THE SNOW. 
THESE PEOPLE SHOULD MOSTLY BE IGNORED.


* 90 PERCENT CHANCE WHOLE FOODS WILL SELL OUT
ON WEDNESDAY OF LOW-SODIUM CANNED SOUP, QUINOA,
AND PRE-MADE ORGANIC CREAMY MACARONI AND CHEESE. 

* AREA SCHOOLS WILL DEFINITELY CLOSE, EVEN IF
THE SNOW OPTS NOT TO FALL. WORK WILL CONTINUE AS
USUAL, THOUGH ALL EMPLOYEES WITH CHILDREN WILL BE
FORCED TO TAKE VACATION DAYS TO CARE FOR THEIR KIDS.
* NBC 4'S PAT COLLINS WILL ASK VIEWERS IF THIS IS
THE WORST STORM THEY HAVE EVER EXPERIENCED. MOST WILL
CONTEMPLATE HIS QUESTION AND ULTIMATELY SAY YES. 

* 100 PERCENT OF AREA RESTAURANTS ARE EXPECTED
TO CAPITALIZE ON THE STORM, MANY OFFERING DARK
AND STORMY COCKTAILS ON THE CHEAP. RESIDENTS WHO DO NOT
MAKE IT TO WORK BECAUSE OF TREACHEROUS
COMMUTING CONDITIONS WILL STILL MAKE IT TO
HAPPY HOUR. 

* THE 15 PEOPLE WHO CHOOSE TO COMMUTE ON BIKES
ARE EXPECTED TO SURVIVE THE SNOW, THOUGH THEIR
CLOTHES AND BIKES WILL BE COVERED IN THE TONS OF
SALT THAT CITY OFFICIALS PREEMPTIVELY PILE ON THE STREET.
THESE BIKERS WILL RECEIVE MEDIA COVERAGE FOR 
HEROICALLY DECIDING TO BIKE IN THE INCONVENIENT
CONDITIONS. 

* THERE IS A 99 PERCENT CHANCE AT LEAST 50
PERCENT OF ALL CONVERSATIONS INITIATED WITHIN THE NEXT
SEVEN DAYS WILL RELATE TO THE SNOW OR LACK OF SNOW.

CONTINUE TO STAY POSTED FOR THE LATEST FORECAST.

Photo by Darrow Montgomery