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The National Weather Service has issued a winter storm watch for the entire Baltimore and D.C. region, which means there’s at least a 50 percent chance of said winter storming coming our way later this week. And that, in turn, means there’s a significant chance of winter storm anxiety. Here’s the Washington City Paper winter weather meta-advisory:
A WINTER STORM WATCH...WHICH IS IN EFFECT STARTING WEDNESDAY WILL IMMEDIATELY LEAD TO A HALT IN THE AREA'S FUNCTIONALITY * THERE IS 95 PERCENT CHANCE OF METRO DELAYS OF AT LEAST 30 MINUTES. 100 PERCENT CHANCE THE RED LINE WILL BE UNDERGOING MAINTENANCE WORK, FURTHER DELAYING THE DELAYS. * IF THE SNOW APPEARS TO BE STICKING, SOCIAL MEDIA-SAVVY D.C. RESIDENTS WILL ORGANIZE A SNOWBALL FIGHT IN DUPONT CIRCLE OR NEAR U STREET NW. A COP MAY SHOW UP WITH A GUN. * ACCUMULATION OF MORE THAN THREE INCHES MAY CAUSE NATIVES OF MORE NORTHERN CITIES TO COMPLAIN ABOUT HOW D.C. HANDLES THE SNOW. THESE PEOPLE SHOULD MOSTLY BE IGNORED. * 90 PERCENT CHANCE WHOLE FOODS WILL SELL OUT ON WEDNESDAY OF LOW-SODIUM CANNED SOUP, QUINOA, AND PRE-MADE ORGANIC CREAMY MACARONI AND CHEESE. * AREA SCHOOLS WILL DEFINITELY CLOSE, EVEN IF THE SNOW OPTS NOT TO FALL. WORK WILL CONTINUE AS USUAL, THOUGH ALL EMPLOYEES WITH CHILDREN WILL BE FORCED TO TAKE VACATION DAYS TO CARE FOR THEIR KIDS.
* NBC 4'S PAT COLLINS WILL ASK VIEWERS IF THIS IS THE WORST STORM THEY HAVE EVER EXPERIENCED. MOST WILL CONTEMPLATE HIS QUESTION AND ULTIMATELY SAY YES. * 100 PERCENT OF AREA RESTAURANTS ARE EXPECTED TO CAPITALIZE ON THE STORM, MANY OFFERING DARK AND STORMY COCKTAILS ON THE CHEAP. RESIDENTS WHO DO NOT MAKE IT TO WORK BECAUSE OF TREACHEROUS COMMUTING CONDITIONS WILL STILL MAKE IT TO HAPPY HOUR. * THE 15 PEOPLE WHO CHOOSE TO COMMUTE ON BIKES ARE EXPECTED TO SURVIVE THE SNOW, THOUGH THEIR CLOTHES AND BIKES WILL BE COVERED IN THE TONS OF SALT THAT CITY OFFICIALS PREEMPTIVELY PILE ON THE STREET. THESE BIKERS WILL RECEIVE MEDIA COVERAGE FOR HEROICALLY DECIDING TO BIKE IN THE INCONVENIENT CONDITIONS. * THERE IS A 99 PERCENT CHANCE AT LEAST 50 PERCENT OF ALL CONVERSATIONS INITIATED WITHIN THE NEXT SEVEN DAYS WILL RELATE TO THE SNOW OR LACK OF SNOW. CONTINUE TO STAY POSTED FOR THE LATEST FORECAST.
Photo by Darrow Montgomery