YouTube video

It’s been a while since we had a compelling Metro brawl video. And don’t say, “What about that plucky guy who earned an endless beatdown?” That one was too sad.

Now our Worldstar dry spell is over, though, thanks to Metro brawl video “Just Another Day in Washington,” Parts 1 and 2. Part 1 is all uncomfortable setup and race hate while Part 2 is the actual brawl; make your viewing decisions accordingly.

Our dramatis personae:

1. This Goon

What’s this guy’s problem? First he slings anti-gay slurs at two seated guys and berates for not being tough-enough “white men,” then he goes after the African-American guy he was just touting as the guy who could beat them up. At one point, he unironically calls him “broski.”

Am I surprised that he’s wearing a shirt from the Chive? I am not.

He’s looking for a fight for some reason. Leave your guesses as to what that reason is in the comments.

Beardy McChive’s weird mixture of race fetish and animus almost ruins the video. He can’t succeed, though, because of…

2. This Guy!

This rider with the colorful shirt does an admirable job keeping his cool as he deals with the Metro system’s leading proponent of scientific racism. His cautious bonhomie leads to exchanges like this:

Goon, to Seated Guys: This dude could beat your ass.

Flower Shirt Guy: I could probably beat your ass, too.

And, in the unquestionable highlight starting at the beginning of Part 2, flower shirt guy goes on a bizarre breakfast-themed rant after his bearded foe says he “eats motherfuckers for breakfast”:

“Eat me for breakfast! Eat me for breakfast! Eat me!” he says, later adding, “Eat me for breakfast! Because I’m hungry!”

Ultimately, though, the only person who’s making a meal out of this fight is…

3. This Fist Maniac

When the breakfast taunts are over, all that’s left is to brawl. Or, in the case of our two main belligerents, all that’s left is to do some sort of schoolyard grappling with each other. Until a Washington football team fan intervenes!

After a new third party puts the beard guy in a headlock, this random guy in a Washington football team jersey comes in and just starts whaling on the bearded man.

Everyone who has been watching this fight brew for six minutes suddenly thinks it has gone too far. So a whole new person comes in and knocks the football guy onto a seat, threatening to punch him as he covers his face with his arms.

“I didn’t do anything, sir!” moans the Pigskins fan.

The lessons: Just change cars; and the Metro Transit Police can be reached at (202) 962-2121.