To: Bros
Subject: That sweet new Hate Eternal disc

Dudes, I just listened to the new Hate Eternal last night—after American Idol, of course—-and it’s is every bit as good as the press it’s been getting. I don’t think I’ve dug a straight-up death metal record this much since I don’t know when. I mean, everyone loves Opeth, but I honestly can’t think of the last new death metal-qua-death metal record that I cared about—must’ve been, like, 6 or 7 years ago. Anyway, this is some weird, chromatic stuff. I mean, if you took out the cookie monster vocals, gave the drummer brushes, and ran the guitars through some Fender Twin Reverbs, folks would think this was an avant-jazz album. I mean, really. And great Onibaba cover, too.