I love George Michael. You don’t? Kiss my ass.

But the thing about George Michael is he’s a classic Greatest Hits artist. George Michael’s deep cuts aren’t gonna get anyone anywhere. The last George Michael Greatest Hits I bought is a two-disc job called Ladies & Gentlemen: The Best of George Michael. George divided the disc into two parts: Disc 1 is “For the Heart”; Disc 2 is “For the Feet.” You know what I want? One disc “For the Car.”

Some artists are two-disc Greatest Hits artists. Queen, Zeppelin, Elton John…uh, I dunno, Rod?

George Michael is a one-disc-er. This is not a diss! So’s Abba, whose Abba Gold is probably the greatest Greatest Hits of all time! But just try to tell George that.

As evidence, I offer George Michael’s new Greatest Hits, called TwentyFive, which came out this past April over here, just in time to get us ready for George’s Greatest Hits tour of the States. It’s called TwentyFive Live. And just try to keep me away from it!

You won’t have as much trouble keeping me away from the six new songs on TwentyFive, whose discs are called “For Living” and “For Loving,” though. Obviously, George has passed the point where he has ANYONE around him who’ll break it to him that his best work will fit neatly on one disc, and that, “Outside” aside, an update on his Greatest Hits wasn’t exactly necessary. More evidence: His cover of “Feeling Good,” which, c’mon, Nina Simone has owned that for, like, ever. George! I’m telling you as a friend you’ve never met! 1) Enough with the Greatest Hitses, already; 2) The only person who can cover Nina Simone-owned songs is Rod Stewart, since his voice sounds exactly like hers now.

I’d be happy to provide the same service for Paul McCartney, if he’d listen.