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In which the author contemplates the former Presidential candidate’s A Simple Christmas: Twelve Stories That Celebrate the True Holiday Spirit.

Just in time for Halloween comes creationist and cool dude Mike Huckabee’s jolly Christmas memoir…

God, what a snarky intro. Tough to write about this because, as an agnostic (how can anybody be anything else?), I don’t like to knock those who believe One Tuff Jew died and rose again in ye olde ancient times. Then again, Christ rarely helps me when I’m drawing to an inside straight, or when I’m trying to make a straight flush to beat another player’s obvious nut flush, and he certainly never helps me make a higher straight flush against a lower straight flush which, as He should know, would be a hand that would qualify for the bad beat jackpot in most American poker rooms.

So, rather than spew some jokey vitriol about Huckabee, I’d rather present five nuggets of received wisdom I unearthed whilst skimming A Simple Christmas. So, if you hate Huckabee, you can smile at how stupid these nuggets are and, if you like Huckabee, you can appreciate the fuck out of this blog post because I’ve done the hard work for you.

1. “[God] had sent prophets, given very explicit written instructions, and even blurted out some pretty loud pronouncements on top of mountains…but even though His voice was probably even louder than an Aerosmith concert, people kept being, well, people.” (xix)

2. “…the Huckabee side of the family originated in England, around the Liverpool area, and the name means ‘people of the hill.’…I was hoping I might be related to Paul McCartney, John Lennon, George Harrison, or Ringo Starr, but if there’s any connection, they have long since paid to cover it up.” (56)

3. “I…had Fender build a Jazz Bass exactly like the one I had when I was a teenager. They sit side by side next to my desk now, and seeing them makes me feel seventeen all over again. Then I stand up and realize I’m not seventeen!” (31 – emphasis and exclamation point in original).

4. “…the fact that I had graduated from high school made me the Starship Enterprise of my family – I had gone where no one man had gone before.” (177)

5. […was going to take something from chapter about’s Huckabee’s wife’s battle with cancer, but it’s actually pretty intense.]