Citing the increasing dissolution of bandmate Ronnie Wood, Keith Richards stole British tabby headlines yesterday by announcing he’d quit the juice. The guitarist and emblem of unapologetic living—who fell out of a palm tree during a boozy trip to Fiji in ’06 and still battles rumors that he depends on Swiss blood transfusions to keep him alive—has gone dry on the insistence of his doctor.

Some outlets are having none of it.

“Can rock ‘n’ roll exist with a sober Keith Richards?” asks the Guardian.

“Is Hell freezing over?” asks Hot Momma Gossip.

“Can I touch it?” asks Courtney Love.

In the wake of Richards’ straighten-up-and-fly-right move, other superstars are jumping on the abstinence bandwagon. Below the jump, some of the more unlikely examples.

• Chris Martin gives up falsetto.
• Bono gives up acting like Jesus.
• John Mayer gives up ridiculous fucking statements, his blog.
• Ben Harper gives up gaucho hats.
• David Byrne gives up Eno, elves.
• Levon Helm gives up hating Robbie Robertson.
• Snoop Dogg gives up grass. No, like, for real this time.
• Buena Vista Social Club gives up Starbucks cachet.
  
• Lou Reed gives up sunglasses, art-cool snarl.
• Animal Collective gives up pedals.
• Robert Smith gives up eyeliner, stance against washing hair.
• M.I.A., Lily Allen give up announcing the end of their careers.