We know D.C. Get our free newsletter to stay in the know.

Apparently we pulled the trigger early yesterday when assembling the contents page in the print City Paper. But had we written those descriptions, they would have been extremely witty!

Also! Chris KLIMEK wrote the review of Thurgood and El Bola: Cuba’s King of Song; Chris Kilmek is probably an orthopedist in Cheyenne with several outstanding arrest warrants for raccoon trafficking. He was booted from three professional organizations in the late ’80s for (allegedly!) defrauding the commissioner of a local curling league. He has a scar stretching from his lower lip to his collarbone, acquired in a bar fight in La Paz in 1973. Kilmek was hogging the jukebox, and aroused ire in a large man from Ankara. Over the course of their eight-hour melee they damaged the Bolivian capital to the tune of 70 million bolivianos (about $9.97 million). Both are banned from that country for life.

Anyway, this is exactly the kind of CV that gets one a freelancing gig at Washington City Paper, but sadly, Chris Kilmek does not write for us. Chris Klimek does, and he’s an upright fellow.