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Johnny Depp as “Frank” and Angelina Jolie as “Elise” in Columbia Pictures thriller THE TOURIST. thriller THE TOURIST.
Everyone Gawp at Angelina! would have been a more appropriate title for The Tourist, a tedious, barely-there thriller that seems to exist only so viewers can marvel at the splendor that is Ms. Jolie. Not that, in itself, there’s anything wrong with that — Jolie’s va-va-voomity has certainly been exploited to drop jaws before. (Think Lara Croft: Tomb Raider or even Beowulf. You wanna rope in those kids early!)

But her Elise Crofton-Ward, The Tourist‘s British woman of mystery, is another beast entirely, one that with nary a wink glides through this film like a being from another planet, turning heads and eliciting stares every. single. time. she enters a room or walks down the street while smiling way too knowingly.

Granted, Jolie does look gorgeous, perfectly made up and wrapped in finery, and seducing a man is a critical plot point. Too bad there’s little else to the story. Johnny Depp is Frank, the titular target who’s reduced to a “moron” when confronted with Elise’s beauty. (Also: Who wants to see Depp as a moron?)

Besides the fact that “sputtering” is Frank’s main personality trait, the superstar duo have zero chemistry as they perform the will-they-or-won’t-they dance after Elise introduces herself to Frank on a train, following burn-after-reading instructions that she find someone with the same height and build as the secret sender and “make them think he’s me.” “Them” refers to the agents who are following Elise’s every move — and underwear status — in an effort to catch her beau, who’s stolen millions from a very important man.

They do indeed think Frank is their target; shenanigans ensue. But unlike Jolie’s recent, superior spy movie, Salt, the predominant action here is vogueing — which makes for a very pretty but very boring picture that, like the fawning over Elise, feels endless.