We know D.C. Get our free newsletter to stay in the know.

Success! You're on the list.

Welcome to Christmas week. There are five full days of deals left. When I say “Discount,” you say, “Kill kill kill kill kill kill!” If you love your loved ones, and want to keep them safe from you, read this column by 2010 National Society of Newspaper Columnists humor award winner Stu Bukofsky:

IT’S TIME FOR another conversation between Your Favorite Columnist and God.

YFC: Hello? Anyone home? This big hall is so empty.

God: I am here, sonny.

YFC: I can’t see anything, just a voice that sounds like Morgan Freeman. Or is it George Burns?

God: Heh-heh. I have my invisible cloak on. It is more fun than a Lower Merion school computer camera. Wait a sec. OK, turn around, sonny.

YFC: There you are! Why are you in that?

God: Baggy white T-shirt, Timberlands and droopy pants? I want to get jiggy wit’ it.

YFC: You were in a white robe the last time we talked.

God: It itches.

YFC: Got it, dude.

There’s more after the link. If the plight of daily newspapers doesn’t make you feel better about your hemorrhoids/ugly family/empty wallet, then you are either dying of something incurable, or work for a daily newspaper.

Don’t strain yourself. I’ll be here all week.

Disclaimer: Stu recently got punked by someone pretending to be Keith Olbermann. I work for that someone!