In the oral tradition of Mark Twain, a very well-to-do man is touring the country, taking stages with nothing but his wits. Unlike Twain, Charlie Sheen has not published any literature that forever changed the course of mankind, unless you count his Twitter feed. So you may be asking yourself, why would anyone pay to see such a train wreck? Or perhaps, much more tragically, why did Ipay to see said train wreck. We’ve got your answers.

Why is this happening?

It’s a car crash without any real damage. Don’t get me wrong, mental illness and drug abuse is damaging, but this tour did not cause any of that. This is a hologram of a brutal accident with great sound bites. It’s a shinier accident but because nothing real is going on, nothing will change. Lessons will not be learned. Money will change hands. Or: Designer drugs are expensive so why not?

Why did I buy this ticket?

Because it’s fun? I have no idea. I do know that you weren’t standing outside your favorite DVD retailer every time a new season of Two and a Half Men, or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Take All the Generic Parts of Bad Things to Make the Most Successful Sitcom in the Last Ten Years was released, because no one did. I’m guessing you bought the ticket because it was fun to yell “winning” over and over and drank a few too many light beers and tickets are super easy to purchase on your phone.

What should I expect?

A Q and A that is on the Byron Allen level of journalism. After the now-infamous opening night in Detroit, Sheen dropped any semblance of production. At one point he had short films, video transitions, and actual stories with beginnings, middles, and ends. Then people booed. For the past few weeks the guy who was cast in Wall Street because Oliver Stone thought he couldn’t act has been talking to a guy producing the show. A curtain opens, some guy that you’ve never heard of does some crowd work, they bring out the guy who replaced Michael J. Fox on Spin City and the two sit down for a not-in-depth conversation about abstract things. Remember last summer when ESPN had that big interview special with LeBron James about where he was going to sign? Remember how laughable and boring it was? Expect that, but add in some Tyra Banks-grade of nonsense. Fierce does equal winning.

How will I remember this?

If you’re lucky enough to spend time in one of the most beautiful theaters in D.C. at an intentionally ugly show, you’re going to have a blast. This is the closest thing you’ll ever get to a stand-up show as a roller coaster. It’s all what you make it. You see the turns, you know you’re safe, and it’s all for naught. It’s like that memorable Charlie Sheen quote we’ve all loved for many years—-wait, that quote doesn’t exist. You’ll remember questioning life for 60 minutes and wondering if even the parking was worth it. Or you’ll be super drunk and be angry you’re not as drunk as you were an hour ago.


Sure, whatever you want.

Is there anything to be learned from this tour?

Yes. Super long names for tours are awesome. It’s time to give credit where credit is due. “My Violent Torpedo of Truth/Defeat is Not An Option” is the best tour name of all time. Also, his merch looks super cool. If the guy that played the voice of Charlie in All Dogs Go to Heaven 2 dies within a year, the tour shirts will be highly coveted on eBay. Also, don’t do all the drugs all the time.

Charlie Sheen’s “My Violent Torpedo of Truth/Defeat is Not An Option” arrives at 8 p.m. tonight at DAR Constitution Hall. $60.70-$104.50.