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Your next seven days should be filled with laughter and royal weddings. The following could help.

Friday, April 29: The Dan Band at 9:30 Club
Made famous by Todd Phillips (“Wedding Crashers,” “The Hangover”), The Dan Band is an excellent excuse to add expletives to very sentimental songs from the last few decades. They don’t pretend to be making art and it’s for the best. They’re pure fun for all fans of karaoke. Do you think William and Kate like karaoke? I bet they like to sing songs. They seem like fun people. 7 p.m. $30. All ages.

Saturday, April 30: Nick Thune at Arlington Draft House
A laid back, confident, smart comic who will hopefully get his due one day, Nick Thune is currently on his “Reunion Tour,” which means nothing. It’s just a funny name for a tour. I wonder if William and Kate would like Nick Thune? If they’re fans of Demetri Martin or Mitch Hedberg I bet they’d like Nick. 9:30 p.m. $20. 21+ Also performing on April 29.

Sunday, May 1 through Tuesday, May 3: Catch up on Royal Wedding at Home
I don’t know about you, but I filled up my DVR with coverage of my old favorite prince and new favorite princess and their subtle and low-key wedding. I’m going to spend Sunday drinking along with Kathie Lee and Hoda. Monday will be devoted to multiple viewings of the Lifetime movie William and Kate. Tuesday is all about getting back in royal wedding shape. Thanks to the good folks at Slimfast, who sponsored the Twitter hashtag #royalwedding, I’m going to finally get back on that treadmill so I’ll be slim enough to snag a royal of my own!

Wednesday, May 4: “Hell House” at Artisphere
Walking through a haunted house that features teenage girls having miscarriages and dying because of unprotected but consensual sex is one of the funniest way to spend Halloween. Or it’s awful. Either way, Hell House is an amazing documentary. With enough distance and a positive attitude, it’s a barrel of laughs. If you’re in change the world mode, maybe view it another time. I wonder if William and Kate are religious? Do you think they like haunted houses? I bet they hold hands when they go through scary things. 8 p.m. $6. All ages.

Thursday, May 5: Story League at Black Fox Lounge
Thanks to The Moth storytelling series, it’s becoming commonplace to see excellent writers and entertainers tell stories in non-bookstore settings. The Story League presents its second event with “Sophomore Outing,” tales of second chances, second times around, and second wives, like William’s dad’s. This reading will feature at least six writers bearing their souls and a “special guest.” With any luck, maybe and William and Kate are D.C.-bound for their honeymoon! One can only wish upon a candle in the wind! 7:30 p.m. $10. 21+.