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Hey everybody! Big news here! The world is going to end on Saturday! Here’s the completely unoriginal and not funny yet obligatory R.E.M. reference: I sure do feel fine!

Sooner or later some fringe religious guy is going to be right. It won’t be because he (these people are usually male) actually saw the future because that does not exist, but because everything has to happen. If we can dream it, we can do it. I think that’s an athletic shoe slogan. Anyways, you should die doing something you love and/or pleasing your god. For me, that means I’ll be doing a jigsaw puzzle, getting slightly inebriated on cheap red wine, and screaming into my cat how awesome my cat is. If you’re not into that, here are some other options for your apocalyptic Saturday.

For the person who wants it all to end
Hobo With a Shotgun at West End Cinema: Upon paying for and viewing “Hobo With a Shotgun,” you will want humanity to perish.

For the vengeful god
Protect-U, Bluebrain, and Painted Face at St. Stephen’s Church: Sure, all of these bands are good and Bluebrain always does something show-specific so any chance to see them should be acted upon, but, is there any better place for when the world ends than a church?

For the sweet release
Todd Barry at Arlington Drafthouse: Mr. Barry will lull you into a comedic slumber. Once you accept your fate, his humor will comfort the black hole that is your future.

For the zombie apocalypse
Swampoodle at Washington Coliseum: Saturday is the premiere of this theater experience about the NoMa neighborhood. Tailor-made for the venue, Swampoodle is a play or something like a play about the place. It covers The Beatles’ first American performance, Malcolm X lecturing, roller derby, ballet, and brawls. If you end up trapped inside while the outside world erupts in flames, this production may teach you something. History repeats itself or something. Either way, it looks neat and if you make your base an old arena, you’ll hear cool echoes and see giant shadows.