Your next seven days should be filled with laughter. The following could help.

Friday, June 3: Three Chord Comedy at Velvet Lounge
Eli Sairs, a recent D.C.-to-NYC transplant, is taking full advantage of the Velvet Lounge’s intimate atmosphere and recording his first stand-up album tonight. This long-running alt-comedy showcase is coming to a close. They’re doing it right with the best of other D.C. and former D.C. comics. Aparna Nancherla, Jeff Maurer, and Jake Young are also on the bill, making this show easily the pick of the week. Considering the admission price, it’s pretty much an insult if you don’t go. 7 p.m., $2, 21+

Saturday, June 4: John Dye at Arlington Draft House
Dye is one of those stand-ups who may not actually be funny, or at least you’re not really sure. He’s charming and likable, but he’s just not there yet. He is on his way. Casual comedy fans, people that just want to have a good time on a weekend night, will love the guy. Uber-nerds that can name half the writing staff of Mr. Show have yet to be sold. Also June 3, 9:30, $18, 21+

Sunday, June 5: Aisha Tyler at DC Improv
The former host of Talk Soup and currently a voice on Archer, Tyler is also an accomplished stand-up. Her new album and DVD, Aisha Tyler Is Lit, will please any Chelsea Handler fan and any fan of actually funny people. Riding the line between mainstream and fan-boy appeal, Tyler has a quick wit about universal subjects. Also June 2-4, 8 p.m., $17 with two item minumum, 18+.

Monday, June 6: Tootsie at American City Diner
Hey everybody, it’s a guy in a dress! He sure does make an ugly woman! It sure is sad that I’m using a 29-year-old classic for cheap jokes! 8 p.m., free, all ages.

Wednesday, June 8: Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex (But Were Afraid to Ask) at Artisphere
It’s not that they don’t movies like they used to, it’s that they don’t make trailers like they used to. With my second Woody Allen pick in as many weeks, apparantly I’m a big Woody Allen fan. 8 p.m., $6, all ages.

June 9: Teen Witch at uncapped LIVE
I’m Remembering maven Hillary Buckholtz presents this screening/singalong of Teen Witch, a film only those born between 1975 and 1985 could love. Since it’s a Buckholtz party, there will also be fortune tellers, trivia, a rap battle, and snacks. Snacks. There will be snacks. It’s a safe bet that the snacks will be the kind that gave my generation diabetes. 7 p.m., free, 21+