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The Source Festival begins tonight, and to say it’s a lot to take in in only four weeks does not do it justice. There are three sets of 10-minute plays, three full-length plays, and four artistic blind dates. I have no idea what artistic blind dates are. Actually, I have no idea what any of these are. The festival looks amazing and deserves some sort of preview. Here is some sort of preview, based on nothing but what I think the play might be about. I’m probably wrong. I’ll find out soon.

Lost & Found
A couple meets at speed-dating service for fans of the hit television show Lost. They realize they lost valuable years of their life to the show Lost. Then they “kill themselves,” but really just wake up on the couch with the final episode of Lost on the television.

Lovers & Friends
A screening of the underappreciated Joaquin Phoenix indie Two Lovers featuring actors as the cast of Friends watching it from the couch of Central Perk. It’s a play about watching a TV cast watch a movie that was made after the show was off the air.

I promise that not all of these revolve around television, just most.

Heroes & Villains
A overweight man in his ’60s with a beard sitting in a sandbox, wearing a robe, tinkling once happy songs about fun in the sun on a toy piano. Every few minutes a man in a white coat bends down to feed him a pill. Very dramatic. Think of Waiting for Godot or the 1997 television miniseries Beach Boys.

The very sad, sobering look at the band Spacehog. Lots of time in and out of rehab while “In The Meantime” is sung ad nauseum by a young boys choir. A Liv Tyler lookalike makes a cameo.

The Making of a Modern Folk Hero
A D.C. newcomer volunteers for a mayoral campaign. She realizes all one has to do to rise above corruption is make common-sense decisions. Rather than continue to back men that are pure evil and abuse the people they’re supposed to represent, she decides to have a soul. She runs with the simple promise of not spending $1,900 a month to lease an SUV. She wins by a landslide. She is shot outside her election night party. Her funeral procession consists entirely of Lincoln Navigators.

Volcanic in Origin
An in-depth spoken-word piece about premature ejaculation a la The Vagina Monologues. Poorly attended.

Adjusting the Volume
An elderly couple see a young man wearing a Weezer shirt with the slogan, “If it’s too loud, turn it down.” They follow him home, knock on his door and the three become fast friends. They form their own band in a heart-warming story about the power of music.

Collapsing Silence
A biography of Depeche Mode front man Dave Gahan. We’re taken on a trip of heroin addiction, suicide attempts, multiple marriages, and dealing with a guy that won’t let you write the songs even though you’re the front man and that’s totally not cool.

Perspectivoyage: The Mann Bobb McCauley Experience
A delightful romp on the high seas of Ireland, this musical features pirates, priests and barmaids singing the praises of people with extra letters in their names for no apparent reason.

An educational piece targeted towards children 4 to 8 is about how to use the dictionary because you feel dumb when you don’t know the meaning or words like nacirema but all of your friends do and maybe you went to the wrong school or didn’t read enough and feel like it’s too late to ever catch up so just sit there and keep playing with your Legos.

The 2011 Source Festival begins tonight and runs until July 3. It’s safe to say none of the plays will be anything like the descriptions above.