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in which the author discusses five books he’d read, if time permitted.

1. Kittens in 3-D, by Yoneo Morita. Japanese dudes: for six decades, finding new ways to turn American low-culture into high culture and f$cking loving every minute of it.

2. In Zanesville, by Jo Ann Beard. This is a well-reviewed and interesting-seeming first novel by Jo Ann Beard, wunderkind of the newest in new in creative nonfiction, whatever that is. Seems like all nonfiction is creative in some ways, right? Maybe they should just call it “nonfiction.”

3. El Sicario: The Autobiography of a Mexican Assassin, by Molly Molloy and Charles Bowden. This is one of those books that seems really badass until you realize that been published by Nation Books and then you’re like, “G-dammit, is this really true?” but then you’re like, “F$ck it, it’s true because I want it to be.”

4. The Tao of Travel: Enlightenments from Lives on the Road, by Paul Theroux. Though I’m vegan, I love a book bound in leather. It’s like the opposite of the Kindle edition, i.e. “Not only does this book exist as a physical object in the three-dimensional world, but it used to be a cow, just like Kirk Cameron’s jacket on ‘Growing Pains.'”

5. The Greater Journey: Americans in Paris, by David McCullough. Do you think David McCullough gets drunk on Scotch or gin and stomps around his study and starts screaming like Denzel in the end of Training Day? Like: “I’m David McCullough, motherf&ckers! I got two Pulitzer Prizes! You wanted to know about John Adams? I told you about John Adams! You wanted to know about Harry S. Truman? I told you about Harry S. Truman! I might not be a household name, but that’s only because most American households are filled with illiterates too busy worrying about who will win The Voice to take some time out and read an ingenious 700-plus page revisionist biography about the life of our second president! King Kong ain’t got nothing on me! RRRRRRROOOOAAAAARRRRR!!!”