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in which the author discusses five books he’d read, if time permitted.

1. Of Lamb, by Matthea Harvey, paintings by Amy Jean Porter. Lambs are pretty cool. They’re soft and cuddly. They say “Baa,” or sometimes “Maa” when they find the courage. Everytime they get a haircut, a sweater gets its arms. They are featured in The Farmer in the Dell and Babe. (Not sure if they appear in Babe 2, I missed that one.) Even more important, they are the symbol of the risen Christ. In the words of Jim Morrison—-spoken after the band’s performance of “Gloria” on the live LP Absolutely Live—-that is “Pretty neat, pretty neat, pretty good, pretty good.”

2. The Sexy Part of the Bible, by Kola Boof. Come to think of it, there are a lot of sexy parts of the Bible. Remember when David saw Bathsheba in the…uh…bath…wait. Is Bathsheba named “Bathsheba” because David saw her in the bath, or is that just a coincidence? Anyway, remember when Bathsheba was in the bath and David was like “You look good, girl?” That was pretty sexy. Well, until David fell out of God’s favor as a result of the subsequent affair, and got Bathsheba pregnant, and ordered her husband killed, and watched the child she bore die of illness after a few days. That was definitely not sexy.

3. Forks Over Knives: The Plant-Based Way to Health, edited by Gene Stone. In case you weren’t yet sure that a plant-based diet is actually better for you than a meat-based diet, you can drop $13.95 to confirm what the Gorilla Biscuits already knew two decades ago. Love animals, don’t eat them—-start today!

4. Adventures in the Orgasmatron: How the Sexual Revolution Came to America, by Christopher Turner. Try to keep up: This book is, like, about a German doctor who, like, brought a box or something called the “Orgasmatron” to the U.S. back in the day. People were supposed to sit on the book to boost their libidos and sexual potential, or something. But, somehow, this wasn’t just pure quackery, or if it was, some big names got caught up in it. Saul Bellow sat on the box. Norman Mailer sat on it. (Then again, what does that prove or disprove? Norman Mailer would do anything.) Anyway, somehow this box contributed to the sexual revolution, which I missed because I was born four years before AIDS. But hopefully, one day AIDS will be cured and the box can come back and we can all have a sexual revolution again, even though Norman Mailer is dead. Who’d want to f*ck him anyway?

5. Untold Story, by Monica Ali. This book imagines that Princess Diana, who died in 1997, is alive and well and living in the Midwest volunteering at an animal shelter. In the words of Jim Morrison — spoken after the band’s performance of “Gloria” on the live LP “Absolutely Live” — that is “Pretty neat, pretty neat, pretty good, pretty good.”