Apparently these thirst DC events are “like TED but with music and booze.” That’s another way of saying that they’re happy hours where people get up and talk. And everybody has to pay $15 to get in! That’s a tough sell, whether you’re a TED person or not. In situations like this, an organization’s About page is crucial. So in the spirit of TED-style nerdy obsession, let’s take a look at how thirst DC explains itself. The intro:

How thirsty are you, Nouveau Nerd? You wanted to learn differently, and thirst DC gives it to you monthly.

First off, what’s up with capitalizing Nouveau Nerd but not capitalizing thirst? True nerds should cringe at that. And let’s do a quick fact check: thirst DC allegedly “gives it to you monthly.” The first event was in August. The second one is in October. Apparently this Nouveau Nerd crowd doesn’t have to follow its own rules. Haven’t they ever posted anything on 4chan? Let’s keep going:

Instead of the traditional lecture format where you sit and listen, we let you choose your own involvement: Want full engagement? Sure thing, you sexy beast! Sit up front and listen. Wanna flirt, drink, and listen? Gotcha. Stand or sit at the side tables at your leisure. You just wanna full-on network and drink while admiring the speakers from afar? Sweet-Baby Darwin and Wallace, we love that! Come stand by the bar and DJ booth and get to some nerdy cross-pollination!

They left out a category: “I don’t want to pay $15 to do any of this.” Anyway, here’s the “best part.”

The best part: You can switch up your involvement as you please. No stinking locked-in-your-chair for you! You’re the Nouveau Nerd, and you choose which speakers get your social media love! (Plus, we all know you want to grab that hottie nerd’s number!).

This is where things really fall apart. Nerds who want to contact other nerds don’t have to get a “number.” Nerds have myriad technological options for identifying the target, acquiring relevant data and executing a sequence of actions that would result, potentially, in a social interaction. And, if this next part is true, why would you need any identifying information, anyway? It’s almost like an orgy up in there!

In a city where happy hours are just part of the job, thirst DC is a new monthly social concept that twists the typical bar experience and turns it into a “sexy nerd house party“, where world-renown experts speak to inspire the attendees to create innovative connections, learn, flirt, drink, and dance while the DJ spins until 2 am. thirst DC‘s talks are short and thought-provoking, to spark fresh and interesting conversations among its attendees.

Oh, OK, it’s possible that the person who wrote this has never fucked an actual nerd. The rest of this sounds like a distraction from tasks that are far more essential to being nerdy:

thirst DC is an unique opportunity for D.C.’s brightest minds to get together to share ideas. Founded by an intrepid group of nerds, thirst DC creates the perfect environment for DC’s nerdiest and sexiest that thirst for knowledge, a stiff drink, and some attractive company. Whether you work in politics or science, but really are passionate about fashion or food, all we ask is that our guests expect the topics to be a bit risque, and in return we ask that they be utterly fascinating.

Wait, why must things be merely “a bit risque?” ALL NERDS THINK ABOUT IS SEX, remember? This event is totally shortchanging its audience.  On to the denouement …

thirst for technology?
thirst for science?
thirst for art and culture?

All we ask is that you be utterly fascinating.

They left out one question: Are you horny enough to pay $15 for this weird-ass meat market?