Those jerks at Gawker caught the episode of Celebrity House Hunting that all of us in the District surely missed last night while we were celebrating another big Caps win. Let’s thank Gawker for watching bad television so we don’t have to, because last night’s ep saw one very special celebrity hunting for a house in the District: Biz Markie.

For the last nine years, Markie’s been living in Laurel, Md., where he’s collected several lifetimes’ worth of shoes, records, toys—and Barbie dolls. (No judgment, Biz: You do you.) Suffice it to say, Markie is too hoarder-y to move into your Mount Pleasant rowhouse. His specific requirement, he says, is that his D.C. domicile be both “fresh” and “funky”—ruling out Ward 3 altogether.

Markie checks out a tony, three-story townhouse on R Street NW listed at $3.5 million—a situation that he describes as “Huxtable.” (Thank you for that, Biz.) He then checks out a $4.5 million, 4,800-square-foot apartment somewhere on Q Street. Where on Q Street do homes have rooftop pools? Dr. Who fans who count themselves among the One Percent, take note: The Q Street home, which Markie passes on, features a built-in red telephone booth.

The third and final stop on Markie’s realty tour is The Moderno, a condominium at 12th and U Streets NW. (“It’s in the cut, the clubs are right around the corner,” Markie brags.) Markie declares the Moderno to be “official-ticial.” (Thank you for that, I think?)

Markie nevertheless settles on house No. 1. He doesn’t sign papers in the episode, but no matter: The distributed powers of the Internet will have sussed out the address of his “100-percent Huxtable” home before he closes on it.

Apropos of nothing, here is a weird Biz video that Jonathan Fischer sent me:

YouTube video

Welcome to the District, Markie. Now please ditch the Bruins jerz.

UPDATE: Funky, fresh, and now found: Eagle-eyed reader Lindsey Boyle checked out the video and IDs Biz Markie’s new neighborhood: He’s right in the heart of Dupont Circle. She says it’s on R Street between 21st and 22nd Streets NW at Florida Ave. “In the video, at 6:50-7 minutes in, you can see the flag pole of the embassy next door, even though the street view shots are pre-renovation,” Boyle says.

UPDATE II: Oh Boyle you, you’ve got what I need: Lindsey comes through with the other Biz-ness address. “The Q St house is in an alley-ish that backs right up to the church at 23rd and P Sts,” she says. “Pretty sure you can see the pool from streetview.”