When I make love, my body contains multitudes, just like Walt Whitman said. My chiseled, Greco-Roman figure thrusts fore and aft like a great earth spirit. Beads of sweat bloom on my Jason Stackhouse-esque abs like morning dew on grass at the Creation. No one—man or woman—can resist the passion with which I make the beast with two backs. That’s why I’m a shoo-in at the Air Sex World Championships. The championships could be easily confused with stripping—or, worse, vaguely sexy dancing, like the kind your great-aunt might jokingly try at a wedding or during a game of charades—but they’re the only way that the unwashed public will get to experience the unleashed priapism of my insatiable lust. Because while my lovemaking abilities are probably evident to anyone who sees me slipping out of the shower like Rob Lowe in The Outsiders or doing a third set of crunches in the office gym, I make love with only a select few. The Air Sex World Championships “Foreplay” pre-show begins at 10 p.m. at the Rock & Roll Hotel, 1353 H St. NE. The championships begin at 11 p.m. $10. 21-plus. rockandrollhoteldc.com. (202) 388-ROCK. (Justin Moyer)

Wednesday: Minigolf at the National Building Museum

Like light beer, ’90s sitcom themes, and LMFAO, minigolf is a perfect social lubricant: Everyone has experienced it but no one particularly loves it. Minigolf may not be hard on the brain, and it may make showing off easy, but the National Building Museum is betting it has cerebral appeal, too. Read more >>

Thursday: Paris Opera Ballet at the Kennedy Center

If you’ve ever used the expression “That gives me the wilis,” do you know what you’ve actually said? Or maybe, more likely, what your grandmother said? “The wilis” is not a synonym for “the creeps.” According to a Slavic legend, a wili is the ghost of a virgin who dies before her wedding day. At night, wilis rise from graveyards dressed in wedding gowns to seduce young men who pass by. It was this legend of the wilis, as codified by the 18th-century German poet Heinrich Heine, that inspired the 1841 ballet Giselle. Read more >>

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Flickr photo used with permission from the Air Sex World Championships.