HO HO WHO?: Apparently Sufjan Stevens is more inspired by Christmas than our 50 states, as his not-necessarily-sincere states project floundered after 2005’s Illinois, yet he continues to crank out yuletide jams year after year. He is the type of artist who would earnestly embark on a tour entitled “The Sirfjam Stephanapolous Christmas Sing-A-Long Seasonal Affective Disorder Spectacular Music Pageant Variety Show Disaster.”
(BRUCE) BANNER ANTHEM: Stevens’ take on “Good King Wenceslas”—-a ditty whose older version The Penguin Book of Christmas Carols editor Elizabeth Poston called the “product of an unnatural marriage between Victorian whimsy and the 13th-century dance carol” (burn!)—-is as precious as you’d expect, bolstered by chimes, honks, and other manner of Wayne Coyne-approved
HULK SMASH: It starts innocently enough with distorted chimes, but quickly morphs into what could be a soundtrack to a missing scene from Metropolis in which robots hoist themselves into a volcano in pursuit of the one true ring. Around 1:54 it gets so discordant that you might get mad at electricity for bringing it to you. AND TURN INTO HULK. DO YOU HEAR WHAT BROOKE HEAR? BROOKE HEAR SONIC GANGBANG. BROOKE HEAR SYNTHY MESS. WHEN SUFJAN YELL “IT’S CHRISTMAS” BETWEEN VERSES HE SOUND LIKE BORED MARTIAN VERSION OF BAJA MAN GUESTING ON AARON CARTER DISNEY SOUNDTRACK SINGLE CIRCA 2001. LAST 45 SECONDS PARTICULARLY AIMLESS AND IRRITATING.
CHEER FACTOR: 0/10. BROOKE CRAM ALL SANTA’S COOKIES INTO MOUTH TRYING TO REMEMBER HAPPY PLACE.