We know D.C. Get our free newsletter to stay in the know.

Success! You're on the list.

HO HO WHO: A Virginia Beach power-pop group that has been around like, forever. Most of The Mockers are Jewish.

TURNING THE OTHER CHEEK, SORT OF: The song exists because some people say there’s a war on Christmas. The Mockers are saying that it’s logically impossible to wage a successful war on Christmas, and thus any campaign to save Christmas is inherently a fallacy. In short: Stop fighting. Jesus would probably dig that, right?

BUT REALLY, WHAT WOULD JESUS DO? “(There’s No War On Christmas) When Christmas Is In Your Heart” is no Sermon on the Mount, but the Mockers at least keep things to the point: “It doesn’t really matter if you use an X or C/I doubt that Jesus would’ve cared, they both spell love to me.” And the band doesn’t imply that its chosen means of communication—-a bouncy melody, sprightly drumming, firm guitar chords—-represents the Lord Himself in any way. And that’s good, because everybody knows that if Christ walked the Earth today, he most certainly wouldn’t be a rocker; he’d probably be the fifth- or sixth-best rapper who ever lived.

CHEER FACTOR: 7/10. This is one case where quality is a conundrum, really. If the song were any better, it would seem like The Mockers were looking for a fight. And then things would start to get all complicated, like that movie Dogma.