HO HO WHO: It’s Krispy Kreme, the rapper Wikipedia describes as “Southern speaking.” Kreme first shot to fameishness after posting a rap video that features himwielding firearms in a basement and delivering unconventional boasts like “I made out with so many girls/made out with every girl in the world.” While he was forced to change his name to Froggy Fresh shortly after “Christmas” came out—-at the request of the sucrose-slinging corporation of the same name (“You can’t just copy names like that”)—-he’ll always be Krispy Kreme to his fans.
CENA CLAUS: The merchandise of World Wrestling Entertainment star John Cena makes up a whopping 55 percent of Kreme’s Christmas list. One YouTube commenter wondered how much Cena had to pay to get his toys in the video. Meanwhile, Cena’s wondering how much he has to pay to get them out.
CHRISTMAS BOOTY: “Christmas” wants desperately to rise to the status of holiday banger, and it gets some of the way there (Kreme assures us he’s “got all of my homies yelling ‘Christmas,’ ‘Christmas,’ ‘Christmas'”). But the mood fizzles on Christmas list item No. 2: “A really cute girl with a really cute butt.” Not only can you not get people as gifts, Kreme, you’re being oddly sexless about it. Fortunately, Kreme remembers his mom’s rule: “Not allowed to touch butts until you graduate from school.” That Krispy Kreme/Froggy Fresh is 21 years old, long past any age where his mom should decide what butts he touches, makes this even stranger.
CHEER FACTOR: 6/10. Kreme talks and looks like he’s making a Tora Bora hostage video, right down to his eyes darting back and forth from camera to cue card. But mute friend Money Maker Mike, dressed as a hulking teenage Saint Nick, seems into the spirit of the season.