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It’s a law of the publishing industry: Stay moderately famous for long enough, and eventually, some deep-pocketed imprint will pay you to write your life story—and sometimes, the results are pretty damn unintentionally funny. D-list celebrity tell-alls have kept actors and comedians busy for years now—see YouTube for examples, like Sherri Shephard reading from the autobiography of Destiny’s Child—and now, the act is coming to Sidney Harman Hall. For “Celebrity Autobiography,” Saturday Night Live alum Rachel Dratch, the author of her own celebrity memoir, leads a cast of local and national performers (including Steve Schirripa from The Sopranos) as they read from the surely scintillating autobiographies of fallen Hollywood stars. Read more >>> The show begins at 8 p.m. at Sidney Harman Hall, 610 F St. NW. $50–$65. (202) 547-1122. shakespearetheatre.org. (Caroline Jones)


Mondays are Pie & Wine days at Ardeo+Bardeo in Cleveland Park. From 5 p.m. to 10:30 p.m., get one of chef Nate Garyantes’ pizzas and a glass of wine or draft beer for $15. The deal is available exclusively at the 24-seat bar or the 14-seat community table. While pizza offerings change seasonally, look out for flavors like barbecue chicken with smoked tomato relish, shaved romaine, and ranch as well as mushroom with black garlic, sottocenere, and fontina. Ardeo+Bardeo, 3311 Connecticut Ave. NW. (202) 244-6750. bardeo.com. (Jessica Sidman)


The EuroAsia Shorts film festival begins this evening at the Goethe-Institut, pairing three short selections from Germany and China. RSVP on the event’s website. 6:30 p.m. at 812 7th St. NW. Free.

Experimental-pop wizard Ariel Pink plays at U Street Music Hall with Purple Pigeons and Kirin J. Callinan. 7 p.m. at 1115 U St. NW. $20.

Baltimore rockers Dope Body perform at the Black Cat Backstage tonight. Rapdragons and Hemlock Ernst, the side project of Future Islands’ Sam Herring, also appear. 8 p.m. at 1811 14th St. NW. $12.

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