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Has it really been a whole ten episodes since we were introduced to the social mores of Potomac, Md.? The Real Housewives of Potomac themselves are certainly feeling it, because they spend much of the finale ripping into each other.
The day after Charisse‘s $80,000 birthday party, we find a hungover Charisse in bed and talking to her dogs. There’s nothing funny about this picture, but it really sums up Charisse’s post-divorce life where she raps, swims, and does whatever else she wants.
Louis and Prada the dogs are proud of Charisse, and so am I.
Meanwhile, Karen and husband Ray contemplate their impending empty nest after daughter Rayvin leaves for college. As Karen walks barefoot over what looks like a yard at a country club (see above), she and Ray make a short play I like to call Who’s Afraid of Karen Huger?
(Note: The part of RAY should be read with confusion and trepidation).
KAREN: Maybe later I’ll go barefoot on your back. RAY: Oh, that’ll be fun. KAREN: I bought a feather. RAY: Oh…wonderful… KAREN: And some handcuffs. RAY: (voice cracking) Oh really?
Karen forbids her daughter from even kissing anyone in her first year of college, a new rule that Rayvin looks eager to abide by.
Katie and boyfriend (yes, boyfriend, much to Katie’s chagrin) Andrew are driving to her Virginia farm. Which, what? Katie has a ranch? How have we never seen this place before?
Katie built this as a hideout where she can wait for fights with Gizelle to blow over. This time, though, Katie and Andrew are headed to the farmhouse because they can only wear a hat and shirt this ugly far from the public eye.
Astute viewers will remember that Andrew got a two-for-one deal on ugly floral shirts. On the drive, Andrew discusses when Ashley‘s husband Michael grabbed his butt at Charisse’s party.
“I think Michael has definitely had a thing for me since the get-go,” Andrew says.
Now he’s just encouraging the ‘shippers! Katie’s ranch comes with cows and chilled-out caretaker Bruce, a modern twist on the “garden hermit” tradition. All of this suggests that Katie is Virginia’s largest landowner.
But what’s this? Why…it’s some flowers either placed on or shaped like bales of hay.
The time has come at last for Andrew to propose, and for Katie to accept. I’m suspicious, though. For a guy who can put up the money and time to plan biweekly golfing trips, flower bales aren’t exactly an impressive proposal background. This is one Pinterest pin, buddy, you need the whole board.
Back in Clarendon, a suburb of Potomac, Ashley is sunning herself on her balcony. But when she hears husband (and District real estate titan) Michael coming up the stairs, she orders him to wait there until she fixes her hair.
Has Michael been turned into a margarita-toting manservant in his own home? Have your say in the comments, readers. And congratulations this week to one group of people who definitely wanted the season to end: Michael’s real estate partners.
Ashley has considered names for the child project she has dubbed working-titled Michsley. The names under consideration, she says, are Hawthorne and M.J. A wary Michael tells her that she can only get pregnant the month after their new restaurant opens if it breaks even that month. Given the economics of restaurants, Michael is duping Ashley.
Gizelle has organized an “extremely important” lunch at Potomac’s Old Angler’s Inn, officially to quash all the beefs. But it seems more like a lunch to start more fights, since Gizelle is calling it a “Come to Jesus” lunch. Come to Jesus, who reminds you that he won’t share a room in your beach house.
Appropriately, Gizelle has invented her own Lord of the Flies conch shell: the “reserved” sign above. Without holding the conch, Gizelle says, you can’t talk.
“That is so not going to work,” Karen says.
It all goes to hell quickly, with Katie sparring with Robyn and Gizelle over race and Karen’s bizarre theory that Ashley wants to Freaky Friday her daughter.
“You and Michael do the pull-out method,” Karen says. “I suggest you let him stay in. Ejaculate, procreate, and get a baby of your own, and move off of mine.”
What a setup for this absolutely bruising closing title card sequence.
Yikes times two. Should’ve stayed with Bruce in Virginia.
Nothing our characters wanted happened, but the season’s not over yet! Next week it all ends for real with a reunion episode. According to the teaser, Michael and Ray are somehow still fighting about the beach house affair and we find out that our heroines have become space pirates.