When I started recapping Australian culture-clash comedy The Real Housewives of Potomac, people acted like I was a sort of TV recap martyr. But I liked it! There was an SEC investigation, and crabs, and more than a few Gay Best Friends. After watching this week’s final episode, though, I understand now that people who told me not to watch Real Housewives only wanted the best for me.
This week’s reunion episode—the second one!—features broken marriages and couch urine. It also features endless recaps of this season’s fights over race and whether Ashley gives her husband too many handjobs, all of which has Bravo impresario Andy Cohen looking like this:
First up: the newly empowered Charisse tells Karen that she’s “delusional” if she thinks she’s really the “grande dame” of Potomac. But Karen has a trump card—Charisse’s sinking marriage to now-former Rutgers basketball coach Eddie Jordan.
“I kind of see you as General Custer trying to make a last stand,” Karen says.
Ashley cuts in, calling Karen’s boat party “wack-ass.” This kicks off the fight over whether Ashley’s husband Michael should have come to the last night of “girl’s weekend” in Delaware, which has become the Jarndyce v. Jarndyce of Housewives spats. It’s a mark of how over this stale this drama is that not even an appearance from Michael and Karen’s husband Ray occasioned much delight.
Ray accuses Michael of trying to have a “male-fantasy situation” at the house. Michael doesn’t see his point.
“Look at what I have,” Michael says, gesturing to Ashley. “Why would I be titillated and excited by Karen?”
What a guy. Speaking of, Katie‘s fiance Andrew is out of the picture after they had a fight on the way to the reunion. We wish him and his golf clubs all the best.
The rest of the reunion is consumed with the feud of the season—Katie versus Gizelle! Gizelle keeps moaning about that time Katie conceived a child with Andrew on a couch at a party; Katie effectively calls Gizelle a tramp. But then, Gizelle hints at some sort of bombshell.
“Do you really want me to say about what was edited out?” Gizelle asks, piquing Cohen’s interest.
Katie feigns ignorance.
“Do I know what was edited out?” she says. “No, I’m not an editor.”
Eventually, we get to at least one secret Gizelle was hinting at. Apparently, a boozy Katie peed a little on a couch during their promotional shoot, and Gizelle is dying to tell everyone about it.
Potomac, a true bastion of gentility. Remember when our heroines went to a whiskey bar in Capitol Hill and acted like they were going to Rayful Edmonds‘ house?
Anyway, the good vibes continue when Charisse interrupts a final champagne toast to reveal that her husband won’t talk to her anymore because she went on the show. But single and ready to mingle Charisse—the only character who has meaningfully changed this season—doesn’t mind.
“It’s my truth, and I’m not ashamed of it,” Charisse says.
There’s no truer description of the season.