Since embarking on this sex column less than a day ago, I’ve been bombarded with nearly several hot news tips concerning private parts. “I have something to tell you,” one coworker informed me as I happened past his modest cube dwelling. “Minnie Driver has had a baby.”

People whose names I vaguely recognize procreate so often that I can no longer consider this news, even if the mother once did not have babies with Matt Damon. Please let me know when people i do not know stop having babies, a phenomenon I will report tirelessly.