Every so often, City Paper’s The Sexist and local dude blogger Roosh V will go blog-to-blog on matters of the heart.

This week: Finding the right words before ditching the rubber.

Roosh V: “The best time to ask the following questions are after the first time you have unprotected sex, when there is very little incentive to lie.”

The Sexist: “Quick review of Fucking 101: People lie to have sex. They lie about their STD status, how frequently they forget to take the pill, who else they’re fucking without condoms, and what they think of your haircut.”

Read it all after the jump.

Roosh V:

Some people who think of themselves as invincible will not ask important questions before having unsafe sex. Guys just stick it in, and girls just let it be stuck in. STD’s are treated with full coverage health insurance and life goes on. But some people don’t like to hear the words ‘you,’ ‘have,’ and ‘chlamydia’ in the same sentence. The risk from sex must be minimized, and that starts with having an honest discussion before tossing away the condom for good.

The best time to ask the following questions are after the first time you have unprotected sex, when there is very little incentive to lie. First question is only asked to girls:

“Are you on the pill?”

If she is a professional middle-class girl living in the city, there is a 95% chance the answer will be “yes.” If she’s not on the pill then you have to get into the whole thing about if she would have an abortion down the road unless you are a master at pulling out. The next question should be asked to both sexes:

“Have you had any symptoms recently, of anything?”

Ask it right out of the blue like you would ask the time. The reason you ask if your partner has symptoms instead of an STD is because someone could be in denial about their herpes, tell you they don’t have an STD, and rationalize they are in fact telling the truth. If your partner has symptoms of any kind, stick to condoms, the thick kind.

If your partner is symptom free, tell him or her that you also don’t have symptoms. Since both of you are “clean,” it is now assumed that unprotected sex will occur in the next instance of intimacy.

Unprotected sex is a glorious pleasure to life, and should be enjoyed as such, even if you don’t know your partner’s last name.

The Sexist:

This is . . . not the safest way to handle this situation. This whole scenario seems engineered to provide only the thinnest sense of security possible, allowing you to fuck unsafely without too much talk. But like the aged Lifestyles condom recovered from betwixt the cushions of the frat house couch, that sloppy, misplaced confidence will inevitably fail you at some point along your journey through the proverbial vagina.

Sex with a partner whose astrological sign, childhood pet, and closet James Spader obsession you aren’t privy to: Whatever. S ex with a partner whom you can’t trust: Problematic. Quick review of Fucking 101: People lie to have sex. They lie about their STD status, how frequently they forget to take the pill, who else they’re fucking without condoms, and what they think of your haircut. Condoms can help protect against those little white health risks.

If you’re pretty sure the person you’re fucking isn’t lying to you, great! Still, asking “Have you had any symptoms recently?” is about as effective as not bringing up the issue at all. Let’s take chlamydia, for example. Have you had any symptoms of chlamydia lately? No? Well, maybe you don’t have chlamydia, or maybe you’re one of three-quarters of infected women and one-half of infected men who don’t exhibit any symptoms of the disease. Maybe you don’t have chlamydia yet, but will contract it this weekend shortly upon exiting Local 16.

Confidence in being “clean” means knowing the specifics—-when your partner was last tested, what actual tests they took, what the results were, and whether they’re engaged in other activities that might expose them to health risks while you’re still fucking them. Even then, you can’t be sure that you or your partner are completely STD free. (For example, there is still no general test to check for HPV in men or women). This can all be very awkward, but if you’re looking for a short-term fling, permanently damaging another person’s sex organs is not the way to go.

If you’re concerned about your partner’s disease-spreading and baby-making habits, waiting until “after the first time you have unprotected sex” to have this talk is fucking stupid. There is no otherworldly Demon of the Non-Condom creepily watching over your sexploits to make sure that you won’t get pregnant or infected the first time.

Or: wear a condom!

Roosh blogs from RooshV.com. He recently wrote Bang, a book about how to get laid for men. To suggest future topics for “Fucking Stupid,” e-mail The Sexist.

Photo by Darrow Montgomery