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The Washington City Paper mail room is frequently stormed with advice on how to find, keep, and please a man. Lately, I’ve noticed a bit of a throwback trend in these relationship bibles: Just like the good old days, the trick is to stay in the kitchen. This week, a coworker rescued another cook-and-please book from the review pile: The Get ‘Em Girls’ Guide to the Power of Cuisine: Perfect Recipes for Spicing Up Your Love Life (A Sassy Girl’s Cookbook) by Shakara Bridges, Jeniece Isley, and Joan A. Davis. In the interest of keeping your reading level down and your man-pleasing labor time up, here’s the Sexist roundup of the book’s man advice—-without any pesky “Homemade Tortilla Chips” recipes in the way.
Before launching into pink-paged recipes for “Stickey Monkey Bread,” “Peachtinis,” and “Tiramisu for Two,” Bridges et. al lay out their “10 Reasons to Cook for Your Man.” Do tell:
7. How else can he give that star-studded performance that you are accustomed to? “Just as a car can’t run without fuel, neither can your man.”
8. He deserves it. You realize you’ve got a keeper. “Show him how much he is appreciated.”
5. You have to eat too! “We know it sounds basic, but it’s the truth.”
10. Last but not least—-you are a Get ‘Em Girl! “No explanation needed!”*
But my favorite girlfriend-to-girlfriend advice comes after the recipes have run out. Write the Get ‘Em Girls:
If this were a perfect world, all the ills of a relationship would be solved with the whiff of freshly baked peach cobbler. Unfortunately, this is not a perfect world and relationships require more than a banging cobbler recipe.
Unfortunate, indeed. In case slaving over the “So-Serious Suffocated Pork Chops” isn’t enough to show your man he’s appreciated, provide him energy to have sex with you, maintain your finely tuned Get ‘Em Girl Persona, and feed yourself at the very same time, the girls offer up some non-culinary relationship tips as well:
– When sex gets boring: “Turn your love nest into an erotic red-light district, complete with a removable dance pole (we would give you the Web address . . . but we can’t be held responsible if you break your neck!)”
– When your career heats up: “Play hooky! Wake up early and start by treating your love (and your dog) to breakfast in bed—-don’t forget the mimosas, you’re not going to work today! . . . let him know that your career is not the only priority in your life.”
– When he asks you to meet his friends: “The late, great, Notorious B.I.G. said it best: ‘Tell your friends, to get with my friends—-we can al7l [sic.] be friends . . .'” [The track later goes on to advise, “I don’t know wuts worse, a hate or a fag.”]