Naughty: On Tap‘s September “Party Crasher” column, “Surprise, You’re Old.” Party Crasher is a monthly party report penned by Mikey Shipwreck, whose nighttime exploits are so outrageous he simply must use a pseudonym. This month, Shipwreck rates a friend’s surprise 30th birthday party. (Minor quibble: It’s not “party crashing” if the party in question is a friend’s birthday celebration to which you were explicitly invited. A friend of mine suggests On Tap rename the column Evite Responding ‘Maybe’.)

So, just how nom-de-plume worthy is Shipwreck’s shtick? Take his response to the birthday girl’s story about receiving some hickeys in college:

Minus 1,000 points for the fact that she allowed someone to give her three hickeys. Who allows that? I have done my fair share of kinky acts and yet have never given a hickey or received one.

Outrageous.

But Shipwreck’s true crime is leveraging a friend’s birthday party into an opportunity to bloviate on how men and women age differently in the dating scene. Shipwreck outlines the positives and negatives for men and women dating in their 20s versus their 30s. Predictably, Shipwreck’s analysis favors men:

Men in their 20s: Biggest Pro: Lots of other male friends available as wingmen or alternative dating options. Biggest Con: General lack of money means, “why not act like an ass?”

Men in their 30s: Biggest Pro: Old enough to be seen as “mature” from both older and younger women means big “pool of pussy” (or penises if you go that way). Biggest Con: Too many options, so “why be picky, just date them all.”

Women in their 20s: Biggest Pro: Most likely not going to look any better. Biggest Con: Most likely will become smarter.

Women in their 30s: Biggest Pro: More confident, more secure, more sexual. Biggest Con: The clock is ticking.

Let’s review: Men dating in their 20s suffer from getting whatever they want, whereas women suffer from being attractive and dumb. Men dating in their 30s suffer from getting whatever they want, whereas women suffer from being unattractive and desperate. Shipwreck caps the review by requesting an invitation to a 21st birthday party, where he will undoubtedly dip his feet in a big pool of hot, dumb pussy.

Nice: I have nothing nice to say about this month’s On Tap.