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Return to Sender: Press Release From ADULTVEST, INC., entitled: “iPorn Purchases Handjob.com.”

Promotional Info I’m Not Interested In [crossed out]: iPorn.com is very pleased to announce they have acquired the domain name handjob.com in a private sale. iPorn Executive Producer Porno Dan Leal had this to say, “When I heard that we were going to buy handjob.com I was ecstatic. We have already shot nearly 40 exclusive hand job scenes and I can’t wait to shoot hundreds more.”

Exhibit A: Also not interested in: Calls for contributors. “Leal further stated that both performers and fans have already begun submitting applications to perform with their favorite stars. ‘Handjob.com is a fun filled way for fans to have the chance to win something they will always remember. We anticipate launching the new handjob.com in early 2009 with over 100 exclusive scenes.'”

Exhibit B: Note to iPorn/handjob: Please refrain from reminding me that porn actors are creepily under same demands as overworked journos. Says Leal, “When I told (iPorn Director) Rick Shameless we were going to be shooting a hand job a day, he shook his head and said, ‘Even one an hour is not nearly enough to cover the demand!'”

I Rest My Case: Fwded to The Onion.