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My friends, stay with me tonight as I watch the third and final presidential debate—-and the live-bloggers who live-blog it. That’s right, we’re live-blogging the live-bloggers here at The Sexist live blog. Who will offer the funniest/most inane commentary? Will it be Joe Curl of the Washington Times? Jim Newell at Wonkette? You, the people, twittering the night away? Stay tuned.
8:58 PM … The Washington Time has a slight edge by having a reporter live-blog from the actual debate, while Wonkette, in a stunning maverick move, looks to have decided on a squirrel theme. Good move.
9:02 PM … Silence on stage, but chatter in the blogosphere! An aimeefausser, practicing something called “twittering” (as far as I can tell, some sort of rustic artisan craft), chimes in with this analysis: “hahah john mccain looks like he wants to kick obama in the balls.” Thank you Internets.
9:05 PM … Ken Layne takes over at Wonkette: starts off with, ” It was super nice of McCain to loan Chris Matthews one of his old gay sweaters.” Zzzzzing!
9:06 PM … Curl, meanwhile, has the inside-the-debate scoop on Schieffer: “He just coughed, drank water, coughed again.” Bob Schieffer: A human!
9:09 PM … McCain and Obama get deep into tax policy. nightstand, meanwhile, asks, “Has McCain EVER been in the sun?” He’s from Arizona, dick head.
9:11 PM … “Joe the Plumber” … a bit of a step-up from “Joe Six Pack.” missouri_gal on twitter posits, “McCain is on crack.”
9:12 PM … Wonkette says, “Oh lord. Gibberish already, stumbling, talking to the camera, “What you want to do?” Huh?” Huh? What is this live-blog thing? Debate what?
9:13 PM … Washington Times continues with the insider details. “Both nominees in dark suits; Obama with a red tie, McCain, blue. (Shouldn’t they be switched?) Flag pin on Obama; none on McCain.” Meanwhile, Wonkette notes, “Ordinary families” and the squiggly rises!” Listen closely, children: this man speaketh the language of the twitter.
9:16 PM … Over on twitter, misteng calls Obama on his bullshit. “page by page line by line….fat chance obama would even open the budget let alone look at it.” Yeah, fuck, can Obama even read? I’ve never seen it!
9:17 PM … During the depression era? McCain is so old. Twitterer emptyonline, whose icon is a caveman missing his buck teeth, opines, “McCain must have dry eyes.” The people have spoken.
9:19 PM … Wonkette is stalled, Washington Times too. John McCain says he’s not George Bush; willakammerer tweets, “McCain sounded like he was going to wrangle down the budget like a wild animal.”
9:23 PM … Oh Christ the live blogs are even worse than the debate. Do ya’ll have these lie detector audience reaction male/female income meters on your teevee? I can’t watch something without the rest of America immediately telling me what I think about it!
9:24 PM … John McCain has scars! Scars! He stresses his leadership; Twitter says, malena2: “stop talking about scares McCain we get it your Old. get over your self, the Presidency doesnt off a Senior Citizen Discount,Scars dnt count.” A 140 chrctr magician!
9:26 PM … John Kennedy before the tragedy at Dallas? WTF? Why does John McCain always bring up every American tragedy as if he were intimately involved in it?
9:27 PM … Talking about mudslinging, McCain says he’s “hurt” to be associated with segregation. linkinchan splits hairs, saying, “segregation isn’t the worst thing that’s happened in this country… slavery, anyone? god, mccain… *sigh*… try again.” Ugh, what? Thank god these are under 140 characters.
9:29 PM … Washington Times is taking its sweet time with the live-blogging. It’s almost as if they’re just blogging! Ba bam!
9:30 PM … McCain makes a sports metaphor! And with the Arizona Cardinals! Drink! Meanwhile, ActsofFaithblog (?????) calls the game: “This debate is now officially OVER. McCain you had the chance to be Presidential but you blew it.” Thank G*d there are blogs for everything.
9:32 PM … JOE THE PLUMBER AGAIN? Fuck. Joe the Plumber loses this debate. Didn’t they remember any other “real American” story they picked up on NPR or something?
9:35 PM … Hey Barack Obama, thanks for telling McCain to tell you all his mudslinging to your face because everyone watching this debate wants to bring those ridiculous negative ads into presidential talky time. Another hour of this?!
9:37 PM … Hey, a Republican candidate dodger for once: On Twitter, Jessicawendt insists, “I personallly am a huge mccain supporter. I think everything he stands for is legit . If obama wins i am moving to canada.” Later, dude.
9:38 PM … Hey Bill Ayers, become a part of this campaign: get a twitter. XOXO, Current TV.
9:39 PM … Facts are facts, but those are not the facts? Hug it out Mr. & Mrs. Fact.
9:40 PM … Bam, Schieffer with the running mate question! Oh goody I just can’t wait for McCain’s answer! PS: “Scranton PA is my homeboy.”
9:42 PM … Obama shies from attacking Palin; ECByrd on the other hand says, “Obama should say, because my running mate isn’t functionally retarded.”
9:43 PM … Palin, a role model for women you say! Your pandering conquers my weak feminine identity!
9:44 PM ... She understands special needs families? She would be a great teacher … no, no nevermind. Nevermind, I didn’t say that.
9:45 PM ... Obama, always classy. Says her capability is up to YOU, the twitterers of America! What say you, American voters? “portlandishone: McCain said Sarah brings the breasts!” Great.
9:46 PM … Are you reading Wonkette, Senators? Ken Layne pwns u: “The voters of Ohio REALLY do not care for Sarah Palin. Not the women, anyhow. Broads hate this Palin character, good LORD. Are all the lady voters in Ohio suddenly dead or asleep or something? John McCain cannot even pronounce “breath of fresh air” correctly. “She understands that autism is on the rise.” Yes, that is a very important quality for a vice president to possess.”
9:47 PM … Washington Times’ Joe Curl is the most earnest dude to hit the Internet! He is just straight quoting the candidates and adding context as if he were writing an article in a newspaper (or as the children refer to them, “encyclopedia.”) Where’s the snark, Curl? Snark it to me!
9:49 PM … Obama and McCain talk oil, drilling, “climate change” (totally natural). But is Palin totally natural, gentlemen?! Twitter of the night: grahamchilla: “ Find out what america thinks of Sarah Palin…vote at ispalinshaved.com.” Fucking jerk.
9:50 PM … Meanwhile, Wonkette pretty much sums up my thoughts on the debate: “Cockamaimie! Drink!” Yep.
9:51 PM … McCain respects Obama’s “eloquence.” Did he get his debate notes from Joe Biden’s gaffe book??
9:52 PM … But what, you ask, does Fishbowl D.C. think of all this? Well I’ll tell you: “Strong Obama response to Ayers, ACORN.” Live-blogging conventional wisdom: How I thirst for it!
9:53 PM … Is Joe Curl really the Washington Times’ greatest blogger? Has the Washington Times ever heard of blogs? Is Joe Curl just reciting a letter to an olde-tyme lady secretary who is filing her typewritten pages into his air-pressurized Internet tubes?
9:56 PM … Health care shmealth care. Wonkette says, “Barack Obama has never traveled south of our border, whereas John McCain is secretly Panamanian and had sex with some hot Brazilian model back in the 1930s!” Everything the Internet says is true. Live blog fact checkers make sure of it.
9:59 PM … John McCain speaking about health care is subtly hillarious. Says alisonboring: “Listen I don’t think there’s any doubt that John McCain pees in a portable pee bag.”
10 PM … FUCCKKK Joe the Plumber needs to come up every half hour. Great. Will Joe the Plumber mysteriously enter the debate at the very end, as if to accelerate the plot of the porn film that is the electoral process?
10:02 PM .. Wonkette is on its third live-blog page. How many squirrel/old/gay/old gay squirrel jokes can one live blog made? Plenty.
10:03 PM … I just ate a glob of raw cookie dough my friend accidentally dropped on the rug, which I am laying on as I stupidly watch a twitter feed of “real Americans.” THIS IS THE LIFE OF A LIVE-BLOGGER.
10:05 PM … Sick of the debate? I know I am! binkybink on twitter has got the afterparty: “McCain is d**cheb*g – I might just have to watch Kung-Fu Panda and tune it all out.”
10:04 PM … McCain calls Obama Senator Government? Is that the new super hero twitter name for President? I like it!
10:06 PM … Best line of the night, Wonkette: “Obama says yes, because my plan excludes penalties on small businesses, such as professional cumming.”
10:08 PM … McCain will search the deepest jungles of South America to find the best judges in the “world” for “America’s” Supreme Court. Also, RidaZehra thinks you’re dumb and old, John McCain! “LOL why is McCain using a sharpie to take notes…oh yeah, he is 378 years old” At least he can write, unlike Barack Obama who may be unable to read.
10:09 PM … Abortion, rahhh!!! McCain says he won’t use a litmus test, while Barack Obama says he’s looking for judicial record AND for Supreme Court judges that “understand what people are going through,” a.k.a., people who agree with him on what he finds important. Fucking answer the abortion question though.
10:11 PM … Courage and compassion on this decision? But you don’t want it to be a decision! Oh god, don’t bring up the Obama dead baby thing again. Barack Obama voted against keeping braindead dead babies alive after they’re aborted. In other words, he is “a maverick.”
10:12 PM … Obama and McCain duke it out on the health of infants the mothers wanted to abort. justinmassa weighs in to say, “McCain has very, very old looking hands.” Citizen journalism at its best.
10:15 PM … Wonkette found Joe the Plumber’s website! Wooooo, crash and burn it! Burn it!
10:17 PM … College debt! Beer bongs don’t come cheap, folks.
10:19 PM … This is the last question? Schieffer lets them talky talk a lot, which is better at least, then those stoplight timers during the Town Hall.
10:20 PM … Says Fishbowl D.C., clairvoyant wizard of the Republican base: “Think McCain’s “Senator Government’ was a silly goof? The GOP base is loving it.”
10:22 PM … The live-blog bubble has burst. Law school?
10:23 PM ... McCain gives a big ‘ol shout out to INSIDER WASHINGTON D.C. with the charter schools! Way to go D.C. schools! Wait . . .
10:24 PM … Did McCain just say, “children, precious children, children who have autism . . . Sarah Palin.” ??? These are the issues we talk about in the “domestic” debate? Oh, sorry, didn’t know America was so fucking boring.
10:25 PM … Big diss to D.C.! Shoutout to Michelle Rhee! Thanks for giving us the Joe Plumber treatment, Governor Government. Thanks very much.
10:26 PM … McCain scary laugh ENDS IT. Wonderful!
10:27 PM … FINAL STATEMENTS: McCain is a reformer, he wants to focus on health care and education and the economy. In a surprise maverick move, McCain also announces candidacy for President of United States!
10:28 PM … Aww. Despite “Country First,” McCain’s kind of crazy angry kooky cute, I guess. Pat pat!
10:30 PM … Barack Obama’s final statement: Why it would be an honor! Meanwhile, mikemimik asks, “What would Obama look like with a mustache? Kinda looks like he’s got a 5 o’clock shadow going on.”
10:31 PM … Voting will make you feel big and strong? I’m convinced!
10:32 PM … Oh, bring the ladies out. Come on. Now go on, shoo.
10:33 PM … Wonkette brings out the cum again on McCain: “But My Friends, Joe the Cummer, Plumber, needs a new caulk gun for his cumming. And he can’t do that with the Obama Money Tax. Fuck all this shit. Bye.” Over at Washington Times, Joe Curl is a bore. In other news, why am I watching this on FOX? And what happened to that cookie dough?
10:35 PM … Bye 🙁